When The Rose Thorn Stings
by KlainesBowties
Summary: Chris and Darren were madly in love with each other, despite the fact that they both were otherwise involved. Chris had a boyfriend, Darren had a girlfriend. It's not like they meant to fall in love, it just... happened. They always thought things between them were working, until it stopped working and everything just sort of fell apart.
1. Chapter 1

**Hola readers. Well, I got the idea for this at like three in the morning when I was walking to bed. So, naturally, I said, "Screw sleep, there's Crisscolfer fanfiction to be written," got my laptop back out, and started writing this. I have the second chapter written as well but I need to check that over for grammar and such. I'm working on writing the third chapter, so depending on how much y'all like this I'll be updating soon. Thanks for reading. You guys are really amazing. **

**Oh, and to Thirteenth-D, yes, I'm using the title you gave me. Now you must read this no matter how much Crisscolfer angst saddens you. **

We were best friends. No, we were more than that. We always had been and we always will be so much more than just best friends. I guess the best way to describe us was… lovers. We didn't really put a label on us. We definitely loved each other; we both knew it. I could tell by the way he looked at me, the way he held me at night, the way he kissed me, the way he made me feel like I was on top of the world. Even though we knew we shouldn't have been together we had a hard time caring at times. I loved him, he loved me; even though we were both otherwise involved, we didn't care, we _had_ to be together. We needed to be with each other like we needed to breathe. We needed to be able to feel each other, no matter the circumstances. I didn't care that Darren had his girlfriend, Darren didn't care that I had my boyfriend, we loved each other, even if no one else knew. We knew, that was all that mattered… to us at least.

Darren was the love of my life. Everything about him was perfect to me; all his imperfections, his silly, little quirks, they made me love him more. He made me feel like, in spite of all my weird habits and insecurities, that I was the most loved human being in the world. He made me feel like no one else ever could. Not my boyfriend, not anyone. I didn't care that being with him was wrong, even if we both did feel guilty often; we loved each other so much it hurt sometimes. I couldn't imagine a life without his touch, his kiss, the feeling of his skin pressed up against mine in the middle of the night… not until I had to.

-0-

"You're insane!" I laughed as he jumped behind me and wrapped his arms around me. At the time, I'd been attempting to make the two of us dinner on one of the few nights we had together, but that wasn't working quite as well as I'd imagined.

"What?" he asked adorably, burying his nose into my neck and pressing gentle, loving kisses to my shoulder. "Did I scare you, Babe?"

"Like hell you did," I muttered, trying to keep my voice stern but I couldn't. I let out a laugh and leaned back into his back. He always made me laugh, even when I didn't want to. "You're crazy."

"Crazy about you," he said with a smile. He ran his fingers gently along my stomach, continuing to press gentle kisses to my neck and shoulder; I knew exactly what he was doing, and I _wasn't_ going to cave this easily… Not yet, at least.

"Do you wanna eat, or what?" Again, I tried to keep my voice stern, but I couldn't between his kisses and the gentle motions he was making across my abdomen.

"Mm, later… C'mon, we don't get that much time together anymore. I wanna spend some time with you." His voice was surprisingly seductive, as it usually was. He could be saying the least sexy thing in the world and I'd still think it was intoxicating. I closed my eyes a moment and thought about giving in, momentarily at least.

I turned in his arms after a moment of letting him kiss and my neck. "That's what the romantic dinner is for," I pointed out. He wrapped his arms around my waist and leaned in, pressing a gentle kiss to my chin. I smiled softly and looked down into his honey-hazel eyes, they were so beautiful. I never got tired of looking into them; they were like my passageway to his soul.

"You know what I mean," he said and smirked a bit. "Come on, can't we just finish this later?"

I sighed overly-dramatically and wrapped my arms around his neck. "I dunno…" I said in a semi sing-song voice. "That depends, what did you have in mind?"

Darren's smirk grew wider. He moved his hands to my thighs and lifted me up, placing me easily on the empty island-counter next to us. "I think you know," he whispered, leaning in and pressing a kiss to my lips.

I laughed softly and held onto him tightly as he moved in between my legs. I pulled away a moment and looked into his eyes, playing with the dark curls atop his head. "Have I told you that I loved you yet today?" I asked him, smiling gently and pressing a kiss to the corner of his lips.

"Maybe once or twice," he whispered as I started to kiss gently at his neck. "Mmm… Have I told you that I love you too yet today?"

I smirked gently as I sucked at a spot on his neck. "Maybe once or twice," I whispered in response. He let out a gentle moan, which in turn made me moan as well. I could never get over the fact that I could make him moan that way, just by a few kisses.

"You have no idea how much I need you right now," he whispered. I nodded gently and leaned up to kiss his lips. After a second I pulled away from him with a wide smile on my face.

"Dinner first," I said with a smile, hopping down from the counter.

Even though my back was turned from him, I could tell he was pouting. "Come on!" he whined. "That wasn't fair!"

I smirked and turned around, and sure enough, he was pouting. "Sorry, Sweetheart, but I'm hungry," I said before turning my back on him to continue fixing dinner. It was one of my favorite things to do, and even though I admit it, I'm not the best cook in the world; it felt so domesticated and simple. I could imagine Darren and I like this one day, just mean and him in a big house, with a dog, a cat, and maybe even a few kids – _shit,_ I couldn't think about that. We weren't supposed to think about our future like that.

We'd fallen in love while filming for Glee. Neither of us had meant too, it just happened. The first time we'd been together, in _that_ way… It'd just happened. One moment we were together, hanging out as we usually did, the next moment we were all over each other, unable to stop ourselves from wanting – needing – the closeness the other offered. We'd woken up in his bed and realized that we couldn't keep pretending. We'd also realized that we couldn't just end things with our actual significant others. So we came to a decision: why not just have both?

We felt horrible for it at times. At times I felt like I was a whore or something, but it wasn't like I was just with Darren for the sex. I loved him. But I loved Matthew too; at least, I thought I did. I really, really thought I did. For the longest time before Darren and I'd gotten together, Matthew and I were happy. Just like Darren and Mia were… then we fell in love and it kind of all just fell apart. I slowly realized that whatever I had with Matthew wasn't love, but what I had with Darren was.

If it weren't for the fact that, in the public eye, Darren was straight and totally in love with Mia, then I'd have broken up with Matthew, and Darren would have broken up with Mia. Except that Darren had been in the closet for so long now that all of that didn't seem to be possible. It seemed to just be a far off thing. A far off thing that we were both sure would never happen, at least, that's what we told ourselves.

"Chris?" I shook my head and looked back at Darren. I'd forgotten how dazed out I could get when thinking of things like this. "You okay?"

I smiled gently and nodded. "I'm with you. Of course I am." I pressed a gentle kiss to his nose. "Come on, food's ready. Let's eat."

-0-

The alarm rang loud, much too loud for both of our likings. I groaned gently and reached over Darren's naked chest to turn off the retched thing. I yawned and cuddled into his chest a little more, I didn't want to move. He was so warm; I just wanted to be cuddled into him forever.

Darren let out a gentle yawn and started to stir awake, smiling softly as he saw me cuddled into his chest. He started to play with my hair gently, scratching softly at my scalp. I hummed gently; it felt so amazing, _he _felt so amazing. I never wanted any of this to end, ever; I just wanted to lie here with him for the rest of my life.

"Good morning, Gorgeous," he said softly, pulling me impossibly closer to his body. I laughed gently and pressed a kiss to his cheek.

"G'morning," I said with a sleepy smile. Neither of us said anything for a while, we just laid in each other's arms, knowing that we needed to get up and get ready for the day, but neither of us wanted to. He wanted to stay here with me just as much as I wanted to stay here with him.

After a while he sighed gently and pressed a kiss to my forehead. "Last night was wonderful… I wish we could do it more often."

I nodded a little. "Yeah, me too," I whispered. There was another short silence, both of us just holding onto each other, not wanting to let go. "Maybe… one day we'll be able to do this every day." I looked at him hopefully, trying not to show too much desperation in my eyes, but I knew it was there. It would've been obvious to a person who barely knew me, much less the person who knew me better than anyone else in the world.

"Baby, you know I want that. We just… we can't be together in the public eye…"

"Why not? I know I know you haven't come out yet but you will one day, right?" I asked, looking at Darren with hopeful eyes. He had to know how much I wanted this, he _had _to.

Darren was silent for a moment, looking at me with those big, pleading eyes. "I want to but-"

"But what?" I asked, frustration clear in my voice. "Darren, I want to be with you… Like, _really _be with you. I don't want to hide anymore. Can't we just start to think about a way to work through this… together?"

"I'm not having this conversation with you, Chris," he said as he rubbed his forehead. "You know it has to be this way. We don't have to like it but… it's just how it is."

"You keep saying that, but you don't get that once you come out then we can actually be together, Darren! We can have a life together!"

"Chris, stop it," he said angrily. "I'm tired of talking about this. Why can't we just be happy?"

"I am happy! I just thought that we could at least talk about being together for real. Don't you ever want to have a real relationship; one where we don't have to hide?" I asked him, taken back a bit by his angry tone. I'd never know why he got so mad when I brought things like this up.

Darren continued to rub his head in frustration and ran his hand through his messy curls. "What part of 'I'm not having this conversation with you,' don't you understand? You can never be happy with what you have, can you? You always have to have something more."

At that, I got out of bed and started to gather my clothes. I didn't understand why he was being such an asshole; I was only trying to talk to him about us. "You're being an ass. I'm just trying to talk to you about our future, which you obviously have no interest in!"

Darren rolled his eyes and got out of bed as well, starting to pick up his own discarded clothes. "Of course I have an interest in our future, I'm just saying that I don't want to talk about this because I know it'll lead to a fight," he said, pulling his shirt over his head before turning back to look at me.

"A little late for that, isn't it?" I retorted, pulling my shirt on and starting to put on my jeans.

Darren let out a noise that best can be described as a growl. I could tell he was angry at me, but I really wasn't that happy with him either. "You're so fucking difficult sometimes," he grumbled.

"Oh, I'm difficult?" I asked, letting out a small, frustrated laugh. "I'm just trying to have an adult conversation with you for once! I swear, sometimes you're only in this for the sex!"

"That's a lie and you know it!"

"Do I?"

We were standing across from each other, both glaring at each other. We'd never really fought before, not like this. Yeah, we'd had small, unimportant spats from time to time, all couples do, but we never really fought heatedly. All of our fights in the past had been resolved within less than an hour, and usually ending in _really_ amazing make up sex. Somehow this just seemed… different.

"You should, Chris," he finally fired back. "You know I love you! Why can't that just be enough for once? Why do you always have to have more–?"

"Because I'm fucking tired of pretending that this," I motioned in between us, "is nothing! No one knows about us, Darren! _No one!_ You said when we first started this that one day we'd tell everyone about us, were you just telling me what I wanted to hear so you could get in my pants?"

"Do you really think that little of me?" he yelled at me. I was taken back again at his voice. Darren _never_ yelled at me.

"You're blowing this way out of proportion!"

"And you're not?"

"No! I'm not! I just want to be with you! I want a future with you!" I yelled. I was done, I hated fighting with him. Being mad at him killed me; it always had. I started out of his room without another word; I just wanted to get away from him.

"Where the hell are you going?" he shouted back at me, following me into the hallway as I headed towards the door.

"Away from you!" I called back, not turning to look at him.

"Chris–"

"Admit it, Darren, you'll never come out! Not for me, not for anyone! You're too much of a fucking coward to admit that fact that you're gay. I'm sorry for wanting a future with you, believe me, it won't happen again!" I screamed, turning to face him for a moment. I hadn't realized the way my words had affected him until I saw it. His eyes automatically filled with tears, but I knew Darren better than that. He shook them away and turned to walk away from me.

"Fine just… just go, Chris!" He screamed, no longer facing me.

"Dare… I-I didn't–"

"Just get the _fucking hell_ away from me!" He growled, finally facing me. I saw the tears starting to pool in his eyes; I wanted more than anything to make them stop but I knew he wouldn't let me. I felt my own eyes fill with tears at the sharpness of his voice.

"Baby, please… I–"

"Now! Chris, just get the fuck out! I don't want you here!" I opened my mouth to say something else, but I couldn't. Nothing came out. I turned around and started to run towards the door, tears falling down my face as I did. I wanted to take everything back, but I couldn't. He wouldn't listen.

The second I got outside his house I felt as if I was going to be sick. I got this strange, twisting filling in my gut that everything was over. I had to tell myself that I was overreacting, this was our first big fight, things were said that we'd both regret in the end. Everything would be okay. It would. It _had _to.


	2. Chapter 2

**Here's the second chapter. I've had it written for a few days but was too lazy to edit it. Chapter three is half finished, so that may be up within the next few days. I'm not sure. My grandma's coming this weekend so I'm not quite sure how much time I'll have to write, but I will definitely try to update soon. That and it's really hard to write with my dad around. Anyways, enough of my jibber-jabber. Enjoy as always. **

**Love you guys. Your reviews make my day. (Especially when I get them in the middle of math class. Score.)**

I was a coward. He was right, I was. Even though he hadn't meant it, even if he had tried to apologize and make it better, he was right. I was too scared to give the person I loved more than anything in the whole entire world what they wanted the most; even if it was a huge thing to ask, I knew Chris well enough to know he'd only ask if he thought it was best for the both of us. I could tell that everything was getting to Chris. Hiding our relationship, lying to Matthew and Mia, everything; it was all hurting him. It always had, he just wouldn't admit it. Why? Because he wanted me to be happy, he always wanted me to be happy.

I couldn't help but to cry when he'd left, I felt horrible. I felt horrible for kicking him out, I felt horrible for fighting with him, I just felt down right fucking horrible. I treated him terribly. I knew if he were here he'd disagree, but I didn't care… it didn't change how I felt in that moment.

I wanted to make it up to him _so_ bad, but he wouldn't respond to my texts or calls. Was he that mad at me, so mad that he didn't even want me to apologize? He'd never been that mad at me. Whenever we fought we always gave the other an opportunity to make it up to each other, but now he wouldn't even talk to me.

He'd only been gone for a couple of hours and I felt as if I was going to die. I needed him here with me, even if I was still a little mad at him. I just wanted this _damn_ fight to be over with. I wanted him here and I wanted us to be back to how we were yesterday: smiling, laughing, totally and completely happy and in love.

Eventually I'd decided that I couldn't just mope around my house all day. I needed to do something other than be upset… I was probably blowing everything out of proportion, just like Chris said I was. We'd get over this, he'd come back later and we'd make up. Everything would go back to how it always has been… I just hope that's enough for him.

I sighed gently and got up from the couch, where'd I'd been sitting and sulking for the past probably four or so hours. I looked at my watch, it was almost ten o'clock. Unlike Chris, I had nothing to do today. I knew he had to go to a meeting for one of his books, and then had a date with Matthew. I sighed, not wanting to think about Chris' _real_ boyfriend, just like I knew he didn't want to think about Mia. When we were together, neither of us thought about the fact we both had significant others, we were together… that was all that mattered. But whenever I'm not with Chris I can't help to think of the fact that if I'm not with Chris, Matthew could be. Hugging him, holding him, kissing his lips… all the things I wished only I could do. But I couldn't, Chris wasn't all mine and I wasn't all his, even if we both tried to ignore it.

I walked into my kitchen, closing my eyes as I saw all the dishes in the sink from last night. I couldn't help but to let out a gentle chuckle.

-0-

_"Dare…" he whined as I kissed him again. "Stop it… I-I need to… I-I need to clean the kitchen up," Chris managed to though the kisses I was pressing to his lips. I looked down at him from where I sat, straddled on his lap, and smirked. He was fucking adorable. _

_ "Are you sure about that, Baby?" I hummed, dropping my lips to suck gently at the most sensitive spot on his neck. "This is a lot more fun than cleaning…" I looked up at him as my voice trailed off and saw him bite his lip. Again, he was fucking adorable. I could tell that he was biting back a moan, and I knew it was only a matter of time till he gave in. He was just stubborn, which is one of the main reasons I love him. _

_ "I promised you I'd come over, make you dinner and clean up after—" I cut him off again with another kiss. He moaned gently and he put his hands to my waist. _

_"We can clean the kitchen up together later…" I shrugged a bit and pressed another gentle kiss to his lips, "Or, tomorrow. Speaking from past experiences, once we get in bed we don't leave for a very, very long time," I said with yet another smirk, kissing him again. _

_He rolled his eyes at me. "You're an asshole," he muttered into the kiss. I laughed softly and let my tongue run along his bottom lip. _

_ "You love me," I said, moving my hands to gently caress his sides as we kissed. He groaned gently and finally started to kiss me back again. I sighed happily, silently thanking everything good in the fucking world that I could kiss him again. _

_ He pulled away for a moment and grinned. Damn, his smile was beautiful – he was beautiful. His smile was so full of love, love for me. I'd never get over that this gorgeous, amazing human being was in love with me. I'm just some weirdo, Chris is… perfect. _

_His eyes glimmered beautifully, the blue, green and grey sparkling as I stared into them. "I do love you, Dare," he whispered, putting his hand at the back of my neck and pulling me in for a soft, chaste, loving kiss. "I love you more than I've ever loved anyone." We both smiled softly before leaning closer together and kissing again._

-0-

I sniffled gently. _Fuck, _when had I started crying again? I'd promised myself that I'd stop moping around the house. It was only one damn fight; everything would be okay, I knew it. It had to be. Chris and I had to be okay. I couldn't lose the best thing that's ever happened to me.

I reached into my pocket and pulled out my cellphone, no missed calls, and no missed text messages. He still wasn't talking to me. I knew he was at mad at me, but was he really so mad that he wouldn't respond to me at all? Last time he was so mad at me he didn't want to talk he'd texted me saying, "Darren, stop texting me, I don't want to talk to you right now." I knew that when Chris is mad he needed his space for long enough to cool off; even then he'd still text me back when I told him that I loved him. Now it was just a complete silence that I wasn't – and will never be – used to.

I set my phone to the side on the counter and made sure to turn the ringer all the way up so I'd hear when – well, if – Chris called or texted me back. I started to clean up around my kitchen, washing the dishes that we'd said we'd do together, putting away the bowls and few ingredients he'd left out. I couldn't help but to let out another gentle laugh; my kitchen really was a wreck. Chris was by far the messiest person in the world when it came to cooking, and honestly, not that I'd ever tell him this, he wasn't really a good cook at all. He knew it too, but neither of us said it. I knew he loved making me dinner, and even if it wasn't the best, he was always extremely happy as we ate. It was _so _worth the burnt and weird-tasting food.

It took me about two or so hours to completely clean up the kitchen; I meant it when I said that Chris was a _really_ messy cook. That and I'm easily distracted. The two mixed together always makes tasks like this take for-fucking-ever. It was still only around twelve thirty when I finished, and I knew that Chris' meeting started around twelve. After that he had his date with Matthew… the question was if he'd come back here at all. I didn't want to think about Chris going home with him… Even though I knew it had to happen…

-0-

_Chris, please… I'm sorry we fought this morning… -D_

_You've been ignoring me all day. Can we just talk? Please? -D_

_I'm not asking you to forgive me. I'm just asking you to talk to me. -D_

_Please, just text me back. -D_

_Please, Chris? -D_

_I love you. -D_

I read over the last six texts I sent Chris in the last hour, it was around ten o'clock and I knew for a fact that Chris _had_ to be home from his date by now. At least, that's what I hoped. I shook my head; I hadn't been able to think about anything else all day. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't stop thinking about Chris. I never wanted to fight with him again.

I was spread out across my couch, wearing the hoodie he'd left here when he'd left earlier today, and watching something on TV; I wasn't really quite sure what, I hadn't been able to pay attention. My phone, that hadn't left my hands for more than three minutes in the past couple of hours, buzzed.

_I'm coming over. We need to talk. -C_

_We need to talk._ The four words wouldn't leave my mind. They were the worst combination of words in the English language. They could only mean one thing… Chris was ending things with me. My first instinct was to text him back, or to call him, and beg him not to.

I waited nervously for what felt like hours, but in reality was only about thirty minutes. I felt like everything went dead as I waited for him_. _

I was having a hard time sitting still, so I paced through my living room, I couldn't even breathe correctly. The only way I could keep it semi-together was telling myself that everything would be okay. Maybe he had good news? Maybe I was being stupid… I probably had nothing to worry about. Chris wouldn't end things with me, he wouldn't. He loved me too much.

There was a knock at my door. _A knock._ Chris never knocked; he usually just walked right in. I closed my eyes for a moment and took a deep breath, I was scared shitless. I walked over to the door and opened it, looking out to see Chris standing there; beautiful as ever, but with the absolute saddest expression I'd ever seen on his face. As soon as he caught my eye he looked down and away from me.

"H-hi," I whispered. He looked up at me and gave me a sad, half-smile. I wanted to launch myself into his arms and beg him to never leave me, tell him I loved him and that I couldn't bear the thought of living without him. I didn't though; instead I stood there and stared at him like a complete fool.

"Hey. Can I come in?" he asked hesitantly. I nodded gently and I reached out to take his right hand. He entwined our fingers together and walked inside, over to my couch. I sat down first and pulled him with me, hoping he'd open his arms for me to curl into like he did, but he didn't. He moved a bit further away from me instead. I felt a tug in my chest, I didn't want to believe this was happening.

I looked down at our hands. I'm sure the tight grip I'd had on him was starting to hurt, but in all honesty I don't think he cared. "Chris… I-I'm sorry. You were right. I am a coward, and I shouldn't have said what I did to you. I-I just…"

"Stop," he cut me off. "I-I… I'm sorry too. We both went too far this morning. We both said things that we shouldn't have," he paused and took a deep breath. I looked up and saw that he had tears falling down his face. I felt my heart break at the sight. I reached my hand up to wipe away the tears that had fallen but he scooted back away from me, taking his hand with him.

"What's going on?" I asked, my voice barely even a whisper I'm sure. I was so scared; scared of losing him, scared of never having his arms around me again, scared of never feeling his lips against mine… Just down right petrified.

"This morning… I realized something. I realized that me asking you to come out is just too much. I realized that when we first started dating, or whatever this is, we always said that we wouldn't put a time limit on us. W-we both knew that we weren't going to be forever. We can't be. It's too hard for you, and it's too hard for me." I felt tears coming to my eyes, I was right. He was ending things with me.

"Chr-Chris… Please–" I started, trying my hardest to stop him. I couldn't let him do this. I had to at least try.

"Honey, you know I love you," he cut me off, more tears falling from his eyes. "I'll always love you, but this is just too hard, and you know it. We both do."

"I don't care!" I nearly yelled. I could barely think straight. I couldn't even imagine why he was doing this to me. "I just want to be with you! I-I can't live without you! Just tell me what you want me to do. I-I'll come out, I'll break up with Mia, I'll tell everyone that… that I'm in love with you. Please, Baby–"

"Dare, you… you can't. Don't do that. I'm sorry but… there's nothing we can do here. We just have to let go and realize that this is for the best."

I let out a small cry and shook my head. "Why are you doing this?" I sobbed out. "Chris… please d-don't…" He shook his head and sniffled gently. I hadn't realized it before, but he'd had his left hand hidden all of the conversation. He moved it so it was sitting on his knee. I looked down at let out small half-sob, half-gasp.

"I'm engaged."


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey there! Well, thanks for coming back for the third chapter. I 'd like to ask you that you don't kill me for the angst... Because this is like the anstiest thing I've written... And that's saying something considering the majority of what I write is angst. But seriously, the reviews you leave me are amazing. And I did get one during math class today, so seriously, fucking thank you.**

**Anyways, this is probably becoming a bit AU starting around the next chapter. Still up in the air about that though. I only have about ten paragraphs and they're teeny-tiny. I might rewrite it. I'm honestly not sure. So it'll be a while till I update this most likely. Probably won't be within the week, maybe it will. It's one fifteen right now and that's when I do my best writing so... who knows. **

**Enough of my rambling (I do that a lot, sorry...) Enjoy. And if you thought last chapter was angsty... I'm so sorry. This is 546 times worse. I cried writing it... but it doesn't take much to get me crying. Probably didn't help that I was listening to my Crisscolfer playlist which usually makes me ball like a baby... **

**Alright, well read on. Thank you all for reviewing, favoriting and such. It makes me super happy. I love you all. Read on :) **

_I'm engaged. Engaged. Engaged. _The words wouldn't leave my head. I looked down at the ring on his finger; it was almost like it was mocking me. I couldn't quite get a grip on it, I knew it was happening, I knew what he had said… but I couldn't believe it. I didn't _want _to believe it. I couldn't believe that someone was taking him away from me. Someone was going to be spending the rest of his life with Chris, and that someone wasn't going to be me.

I looked up into his clear, cerulean eyes. They were glassed over with tears, falling slowly from his eyes. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and make them go away, I wanted him to make my own tears go away. But things weren't going to be that easy for us this time, we couldn't just kiss and make up like normally. This was a completely different story, one that I wasn't sure I was going to be in much longer.

"Chris," I said, trying not to sound too desperate. I knew I did though, I was sure of it. Of course I did, I couldn't lose him. I was losing the best thing that had ever happened to me. "Please, Chris, don't-don't do this. Don't marry him," I begged, reaching back out to entwine our hands. At first I thought he'd pull away, but he didn't. He let me lace our fingers together. I gave his hand a tight squeeze and felt him squeeze right back. His grip on my hand was borderline painful, but I didn't care. I needed to feel his hand in mine. Even if his grip was hurting a little, I didn't care; it may have been the last time he would ever hold my hand.

"D-Dare, stop, please. You have no idea how much this is killing me. You have no idea how much I don't want to do this…" He looked down to our hands and took a deep breath. I could tell that he was trying to hold back a sob. "You're my first love. You're the first guy that's ever made me feel like this. I-I've never been this happy with anyone. No one else has ever made me feel this loved, or made me feel this alive before." He paused and looked up to me, the emotion in his eyes was nearly enough to kill me. "But we can't do this anymore. We can't keep hiding. We both knew that we weren't supposed to be forever... just because we love each other doesn't mean we're right for each other. Y-You have a girlfriend and I have a boyfri- a fiancé. We both need to find a way to be with them and to be content with—"

"No! I can't lose you. P-Please… please don't leave me," I cut him off, my voice cracking in my own attempt to hold back a sob. He couldn't be doing this to me. He had to know how much I loved him. "I don't know what I'm going to do without you. You're everything to me..."

Chris closed his eyes and nodded, bringing the hand that was not in mine – the one with the ring – up to his eyes to wipe away the tears falling down his cheeks. He then took my cheek gently in his hand; I could feel his engagement ring against my skin. It was cold yet it felt as if it burnt at the same time. His thumb glided lightly under my eye, wiping away the tears that were falling at a steady pace.

"You know I'm always going to love you. No matter what happens, I'm always going to be in love with _you,_" he said shakily. I couldn't say anything else at that point. Tears were falling too fast, sobs were threatening to take over my body; everything was ending for me, and I had could do nothing about it. He smiled sadly and brought his hand up to brush away a few fallen curls from my forehead. The action was both comforting and heartbreaking at the same time. He would always play with my hair when I was upset. He knew it comforted me, and it would have now if I didn't know that this would be the last time he'd ever do it.

He exhaled softly before continuing. "You don't need me, Baby. You're the most talented, beautiful, loving person I've ever met. You don't need anyone, okay? You'll be fine… I-I promise."

"I'm going to miss you so much," I managed to whisper after a second of just looking at him and trying to let what he had said sink in. "I love you, Chris."

He leaned in and I felt his lips slide gently across mine. They were so soft against my own. I couldn't help but to feel more tears fall as he kissed me, I didn't want to believe that I was losing him. I was never going to be able to kiss him like this again, I was never going to be able to feel his arms around me again; this was it. We were over.

We kissed gently for a few minutes, neither of us wanting to pull away. The kiss was so chaste and loving, yet one of the most passionate kisses we'd ever shared, because we both knew it'd be our last.

Chris was the first to pull away. He pulled his hand away from my own, causing me to let out a gentle cry. For a moment, he let his hand run gently along my cheek before he got up. "Bye, Dare," he said once he got to the door. I thought of walking over to him, but my legs weren't working. I couldn't move, all I could do was sit there and shiver on the couch. "I love you," he whispered before walking out the door.

"I love you," I whispered back, even though I knew he didn't even hear me. Yet I whispered the same three words over and over and over again for the next five minutes. I was unable to do anything except sit on my couch, cry, and think about how I'd lost the love of my life.

"I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you…"

-0-

An hour. Two hours. Three hours. Four hours. Then I lost count. I heard my phone ringing on multiple occasions but at the time I didn't really connect it with it being my phone. I think there may have even been a knock at the door at one point, but I ignored it. It was all just white noise, everything except the sound of an occasional sob or sniffle. Everything was kind of blurry to me. My vision, my mind, even my body felt somehow off. I didn't know what I was doing anymore. I couldn't feel anything except heartbreak.

I couldn't get my mind around the fact that it – we – were over. Chris was no longer mine. I no longer had the ability to call him up and tell him I needed him, to tell him I missed him, to tell him how much I loved him. I wasn't able to move after he left. All I could do was sit there and cry until I couldn't produce anymore tears. Then, I just sat there and trembled against the couch. I expected him to wake me up at any moment and tell me it was all just a horrible, menacing nightmare, to take me in his arms and tell me that everything was going to be okay… but he didn't. Time kept going and I realized that no matter what this was happening. Chris wasn't mine anymore; he really wasn't ever mine in the first place.

I couldn't do anything but sit on that _damned_ couch and think about us. Think about all the good times we'd spent together, the bad, everything we shared. I couldn't get him out of my head: his smile, his laughter, the way his nose wrinkled up a bit when I kissed it, the way he held me, the way he kissed me, the way he just knew me… the way he could turn me into a ball of nerves just by the simplest touch.

I think the reason I didn't get off the couch for so long is because I was afraid that moving from the spot he'd last touched me would make everything more real, and I didn't want any of this to be real. Admittedly, I'm not at all good at knowing what I want in life. I didn't know if I want to come out, I didn't know if I want to have to have people knowing what was going on in my personal life, I didn't know if I wanted to have to admit that I cheated on Mia... I just didn't know. All I know is what I needed... Chris.

I needed him here with me right now. Even before we were together he was my best friend. I could go to him with anything, and he could come to me with anything. It was how we worked. He knew exactly how to make me feel better, as I did with him. I knew for a fact that his fiancé wouldn't know how to make him feel better, he didn't know all the things about Chris that I did.

I had no idea what I was supposed to do. Was I supposed to just let him go? Just let him walk out of my life? I couldn't do that. Physically, I was unable to let him go, but how was I supposed to get him back? He was engaged, he had made his choice, and I wasn't it. I didn't know what to do; all I knew is that I couldn't let Chris go. Not when I loved him this much, and when I knew for a fact that he loved me too. Chris deserved to be happy, and I was bound and determined to make that happen.


	4. Chapter 4

**Well how how about that. And update. I didn't think I'd have this up till like... Next Saturday. But here it is, 3 o'clock Sunday morning. But honestly, I doubt that I'll have chapter 5 up anytime soon. I have it all planned out, but I don't know when I'll have time to actually write it. It took me all today and most of yesterday to write this. Who know's, I might find time to write it but I'm not sure. Usually when I get home from hell, er... school, I just want to sleep. I seriously hope I have time to write chapter 5. **

**And to everyone telling me how angsty this is, I know, I'm sorry! Don't shoot me! Believe me, it's bad for me too. I actually made a playlist on my iPod for this fic. I've been listening to it for most of the day while writing this and I was in tears more than a three times. **

**Enough of my rambling. I'm sorry. I do that a lot at three am. I'm so tired it isn't even funny, but I really wanted to finish while I had my train of thought going. Read on, and I swear to God... Unlike some of my fanfics, this does have a happy ending. I promise. **

**I love all you guys. Thank you for reading and making my day with your reviews, favorites and such. :)**

* * *

I was used to putting on a brave face. I did it all of high school, through all the bullying, the emotional torture I was put through, I just put on a brave face to get through it. I'd throw out a few sarcastic comments and show them that it didn't bother me, that no matter what they said I was strong and wouldn't be affected by their bullshit… even if I went home and cried myself to sleep almost every night.

This was a lot like that. I smiled at my fiancé, I held his hand, I kissed him, I helped him with the wedding plans, I did everything I was supposed to do as a someone's future husband, even if I did cry myself to sleep each and every night over Darren. I tried to forget about him. I had too, that chapter of my life was closed and done with. It was better for the both of us, it really was. Darren didn't need the stress of coming out, or the possible detriment to his career. This was the mature thing to do; even if it was killing me.

Don't get me wrong, Matthew isn't a bad guy. He's actually one of the sweetest, most kind, caring people I've ever met. He just… he isn't Darren. When he touches me I don't feel electricity throughout my body, when he smiles at me I don't feel butterflies in my stomach, when he kisses me I don't feel the instant _I need you, I love you so much, never leave me_sensation I did with Darren. When he hugged me it felt all wrong. Whenever Darren and I hugged it felt as if we just fit. He'd put his chin onto my shoulder, or burry his nose into my neck, he'd wrap his arms around my waist and I'd wrap mine around his neck. It was like our bodies were a perfect match to the others. We were a perfect fit in every single way.

I missed Darren like crazy. We never really saw each other on set, and when we did it was extremely hard. We gave each other small glances before looking awkwardly away. Each time I saw him it made my heart ache even more. The second our eyes would lock I could see how heartbroken he was. Neither of us talked to each other, and luckily we didn't have any scenes with each other anytime soon.

I don't know how it happened, but eventually words spread that I was engaged. Matthew just shrugged it off. "It was bound to happen one day," he said one night at dinner. All I did was smile, shrug a little and go on to eat the lasagna he'd made us; unlike Darren, Matthew wouldn't put up with my cooking skills. Not that I blame him, I really can't cook at all.

I'd found out that I was nominated for a people's choice award a while back. I remember the day vividly, because I'd been with Darren. He'd made a _huge _deal about it…

-0-

_ "Chris! Oh my gosh! Chris! You—Oh my gosh!" Darren was completely hysterical at this point. He was jumping around my living room like an eight year old on who'd eaten all their Halloween candy in one night. All of a sudden, he'd plopped down into my lap, thrown his arms around me and squeezed me tightly. "I can't believe it! Well, of course I can believe it… You're amazing! Of course you're nominated; you're so going to win! You're going to win and I- Oh my gosh, Chris—"_

_ I cut him off with a closed mouth kiss, unable to deepen it, as I was laughing way too much. After a second of kissing him I pulled away and put my arms to his waist. "Baby, you need to calm down. You would think you were the one who was nominated."_

_ He smiled widely and leaned in, pressing another kiss to my lips. "I'm sorry, I'm just so excited. You deserve this. You deserve every single award there is," he sighed happily and moved a bit so his legs were draped over my thighs. He looked over at me with wide, whiskey colored eyes, shimmering beautifully. "I love you so much, Chris… I'm so proud of you."_

_ I blushed gently and pulled him closer so that his side was pressed up against my chest. "Thanks, Dare… that means a lot to me."_

_ Darren quirked his brow a bit, which to me was about the most sexy and adorable thing all at the same time. "Why? It's the truth, Chris. You should know that by now."_

_ "I guess… I-…" I could feel my blush growing wider and wider as I spoke. I situated us on the couch so that I was leaning against the armrest more. I tightened my arms around his waist and started to draw nonsense patterns into his sides. I loved this, being so close in such an intimate and simple way. I loved that he could just curl up on my lap, or in my arms, or whatever, whenever he wanted to._

_ "I just… compliments mean more coming from you because I know you really mean them. A lot of people just say, 'Oh! Congratulations! I'm so proud of you! Yada, yada, yada,' just to be saying it. When it comes from you I know it's completely sincere."_

_ Darren nuzzled his nose into my neck a little and moved his head up to press a kiss to my cheek. "Everyone who says that they're proud of you or that you're incredible is telling the truth." Darren sat up a little and leaned in again, this time kissing me full on the lips. His hand moved to rest under my chin, just his fingertips barely touching my skin. He kissed me softly and slowly for a minute or so, I wasn't sure. Time always flew by so fast when kissing him. It was so easy to lose myself in him. The way his tongue glides gently against my own, exploring every little part of my mouth in the most delicate, loving way possible. Thinking about it makes me lightheaded._

_ Once Darren pulled away he looked at me with the most loving expression in his eyes. It almost… it almost looked as if he were tearing up. "Chris… it's not just the award. It's everything. You've done so much and… I'm so proud of you, and I'm so-so honored that you'd even love a goofball like me."_

_ I laughed gently and leaned in to peck his lips again. "I do love you, Dare; I love you so much." We both smiled softly before leaning back together and kissing again._

_Darren was the first to pull away. He got off my lap and I whined gently. "Where are you going?"_

_"Come on," he reached out for my hand. "Let's go upstairs. I want to show you exactly how perfect and wonderful you are."_

_A shiver ran down my body at his words. I nodded a bit and took his hand. "Lead the way."_

-0-

It was almost as if I didn't want to go to the awards. I knew for a fact Darren was going to be there, and as much as I missed him and wanted to see him I wasn't sure he'd want to see me… Especially considering I was bringing my fiancé.

Matthew was very supportive of me during the whole PCA's and promotion of Struck By Lightning. He even offered to wear the pencil suit for a whole day to promote SBL. I laughed and told him that it wasn't necessary. But really, Darren had offered to do the same. I would have totally said yes to Darren, mainly because I knew he'd _want_ to do something that silly for me. Just to make me smile. I guess if I'd said yes to him it would have just reminded me of Darren's offer, but everything reminded me of Darren.

No matter what I did Darren was everywhere. The apple juice stain that I couldn't get out of my couch, the 'Darren was here!' with a little heart or smiley face written on each and every one of my calendar pages, the ginormous stuffed llama he got me for Christmas that I slept with every night, all the clothes that he'd left at my house… Everything. They were all reminders of what I'd lost. Who I'd lost.

-0-

The night of the PCA's was horrible for me. I was in a major rush, just coming from E!News where I'd been discussing Struck By Lighting and attempting to shove the questions of my engagement to the side. I didn't want to talk about that to the press, not now, not ever.

We, Matthew and I that is, arrived on the red carpet together. His hand was laced together with mine, but it felt so off. I'd always dreamed of showing up to awards shows hand in hand with Darren. Sometimes I'd close my eyes and imagine showing up with him instead; our fingers would be entwined, we'd be smiling to everyone and posing for pictures… just like all the other couples.

"Chris?" I snapped out of my daze momentarily and looked over to Matthew. He gave my hand a squeeze, only in attempt to get my attention. "You okay?"

_No. Not at all. _"Yeah, fine," I said with a small smile. He nodded gently and we kept walking. I bit my lip a bit and tried not to continuing thinking of Darren. Thinking of how if I'd responded to a question like that by saying 'Yeah, fine,' Darren would have known I was lying.

"Are you sure?" He asked after a moment.

I nodded again. "Yes, I'm fine. I promise." He smiled a bit and leaned in, pecking my cheek softly. Was I ever going to get used to him doing that? We'd dated for six months before Darren and I had started going out… Was I ever going to get used to the fact that he wasn't Darren? Would I ever stop feeling this guilty? Would I ever fall out of love with Darren? I was positive that the answer to all of these questions was no.

I hadn't run into Darren yet, and honestly I was glad. I didn't want him to see me like this, smiling and holding hands with Matthew. I knew that it would upset him, and that's the last thing I'd ever wanted to do. This was the mature thing to do; we wouldn't be hurting this bad later on. We'd both be better off. I was sure of it… or at least, I thought I was sure of it. I had to be sure of it.

As it turns out, Matthew and I's seats were right up front with Lea's. I still didn't see Darren. Had he not come at all? Maybe he was here and I just didn't see him… had he seen me with Matthew though? I sighed gently and settled into my seat. I needed to stop thinking about him. I needed to concentrate on anything other than him. I had too. There was no other way to get through the night.

The show was on to start in about an hour. I was sitting down in my seat, letting Lea and Matthew talk amongst themselves. I'd tried paying attention earlier, but I kind of zoned out. I started to excuse myself to go to the bathroom, but then I realized they probably wouldn't even realize I'd left.

I was glad no one stopped me on the way out to the bathroom; I honestly didn't want to talk to anybody else. I needed to splash some water on my face. Then I'd be fine… right? Yeah. I would be.

I opened the door to the men's room and walked in. At first I thought it was empty, like I thought it would be. Most people were too busy talking and taking pictures to bother to drain their bladders. I walked further in and started to turn the water on until I heard a soft sniffling noise in one of the stalls. I quirked my brow a bit, and being as nosy and curious as I usually am, I walked in front of the stall. I wasn't sure what I was expecting to see, but I definitely wasn't expecting to see someone sitting on the floor. I mean, these places are pretty clean, but the men's room? Seriously? Ew.

"Uh… Are you okay in there?" I asked nervously. I was half expecting Charlie Sheen or someone super famous to get up and walk out, giving me another chance to embarrass myself in front of someone again. Then again, I'm not the one crying in a bathroom stall in the men's room of the People's Choice Awards.

I waited a second for an answer but all I heard was a soft gasp and _mmhhmm _noise. I sighed gently, I felt weird about leaving. I mean, you've got to be in pretty bad shape to be sitting on one of these floors…

"You aren't hurt, or something, are you? I mean, because I'd feel like a really big douche just walking out if you were…" I muttered to whoever it was in the stall. I waited a moment for him to respond but he did. I saw him stand up and open the door slightly. I was starting to get worried. I wasn't that intimidating, was I? I didn't think so. It's not like I was packing my sai swords or anything.

The body moved out of the stall slowly. It didn't take me long to see who it was.

"D-Dare…"

-0-

We stared at each other for the longest time. Just staring at each other; neither of us dared to say a damn thing to the other. It'd been three weeks since we'd – I'd – ended things. Darren looked horrible. Horrible in a beautiful fashion, if that makes any sense, which it probably doesn't.

"Dare… Are you okay–?" I finally broke the silence.

"Do I look okay to you, Chris?" he cut me off. Tears were steadily pouring down his face, but they'd been doing that since the moment I'd seen him today. "Does it look like I'm fucking okay?"

I looked down at my feet a moment. No, he didn't look okay. He looked broken, not just broken but completely and totally ruined. I'd never seen him look this upset before. He looked so different then since I'd last seen him. He looked smaller, paler – and that's coming from me – and just all together not him. I was worried.

"No, you don't. I-I'm sorry," I whispered, looking back up to him. "Dare, Sweetheart, please don't cry." I started to walk over to him to wipe away the tears in his eyes, but he wouldn't let me. The second I got close to him he moved backwards, nearly running himself into a stall.

"Don't touch me! A-And don't call me that!" He screamed. I bit down on my lower lip and looked over to him. It broke my heart to see him like this, and to hear him talk like that. It physically hurt me.

"Just talk to me, okay? Please…" I tried; looking at him with what I was sure was my own version of puppy dog eyes. "We were best friends before, Dare. You know you can talk to me about anything, even… even if it's about… us." I didn't want to assume that Darren's emotional outburst was about me; but who was I kidding? I knew Darren better than that.

"Why should I talk to you? You broke my heart." He whispered. He crossed his arms across his chest; I could tell he was trying to curl into himself. I hated seeing him like this; I hated seeing him hurting this much, especially when it was all _my_ fault. If I hadn't decided we needed to do the mature thing then he wouldn't be this miserable.

"I-I know I did. I'm sorry, Dare. I really am, but it was the right thing to do. We both know that we weren't supposed to–"

"Stop saying that! Stop saying that we aren't supposed to be together because we both know that we are! We're in love, Chris. At least, I love you! I love you enough to not break up with you or-or walk around all over the place with my new fiancé!" He yelled at me. He didn't sound as sad now, he just sounded angry.

"You think I want this? You think that I'd rather be with him than you–?" I tried. I wanted to reason with him, try to get him to see my side of the story, but he kept cutting me off.

"You chose him. You chose him instead of me; d-do you have any idea how that makes me feel?" His voice was so shaky, it was almost scary. He almost looked as if he were going to be sick.

"You don't think that I'm not hurting? I'd give anything to be with you instead of him. _I love you, _Darren! But it's too hard. Us… We wouldn't work. We weren't working; we were just pretending that we were. This is the mature thing to do," I repeated the same thing that I'd told myself in the last three weeks to him. But looking at him, hurting this much, I knew he wouldn't believe me. I wasn't even sure I believed me anymore.

"I don't give a shit what the "mature thing" is, Chris! I just- I need you! I-I miss you so much and-and even though I'm mad at you for leaving me and choosing him, I can't stand living without you."

I sighed gently and wiped at my own eyes. I couldn't be crying now, my eyes get all weird, red and puffy when I cry. I can't let everyone out their see me like that. I took a step toward Darren, expecting him to move away but he didn't. I looked in his eyes, there was such a mix of anger, confusion and heartbreak in them. I just wanted to hug him and make it all go away.

"You have Mia. I-I know it's not the same as it was with us, it's not the same with me and Matthew as it was with you. You just… you have to–"

"I broke up with her," he whispered, looking down the second the words escaped his lips. "PA was pissed off, but I don't care."

"Why?" I asked in a whisper. I was shocked; I didn't think he'd ever break up with her. I never expected him to.

"Because if I can't be with you, I don't want to be with anyone," he muttered. He wasn't even looking at me anymore, I wanted to tilt his chin up so I could see him, but I couldn't. He probably still didn't want me touching him. "I know it's stupid and fucked up, but I love you. Even though you broke my heart and left me for _him_. I love you, Chris. I love you more than I ever loved her or more than I thought it was possible to love _fucking anyone._"He finally looked up at me, staring at me with his tear filled eyes. They were like daggers cutting through my soul.

"And yeah, it scares me. You… us, that thing we had scared the living shit out of me, but what scares me more that I have to live the rest of my life without my best friend. Honestly? I fucking hate you for leaving me and turning me into this… But at the same time I love you so much that it actually hurts. Living without you physically hurts me, Chris, and… I don't know how much longer I can take this."

Darren looked back down at the floor. I suddenly felt a hundred times heavier. I had no idea that this was affecting him this much. I took a deep breath, put my fingers gently under his chin and tiled his head up to look at me. I expected him to push me away again, but he didn't. He just looked up at me with tear-filled, honey eyes. I stepped a little bit closer, not breaking eye contact with him. I didn't know what was going through my mind; all I knew is that I couldn't stand to see him like this.

"I told you, I'm always going to be in love with you," I whispered before leaning in and capturing his lips with mine. It started off so slowly and lovingly, both of us not wanting to take this too far. All of that faded away in a matter of about fifteen seconds. Soon the kiss had been transformed from a soft, sweet kiss to a passionate, fervent kiss, full of all teeth and tongue and just _us. _

Darren whimpered softly and wrapped his arms around my neck. I couldn't help but let out a gentle moan because _fuck,_ I needed him. I knew that I missed him, but I had no idea that I missed him _this_ much until we were kissing again. I missed the way his arms felt around my neck, I missed the way he kissed me, I missed the feeling of him; I just missed him. No one could make me feel this way.

The minutes passed by and all we could do was kiss, kiss and try to feel each other again. I could feel myself growing harder and harder by the second. It'd been so long since I'd been with Darren, or at least it felt like it. I needed him. I needed to feel his body against my own, even if it were only quick. I _needed _him, and I could tell he needed me just as much.

He was making soft moaning and whining noises from deep in his throat. I pushed him back further against the bathroom stall. He let out a soft gasping noise and moved his hands to grasp onto my hips. We still hadn't pulled away from each other's lips, we couldn't. If we stopped now, like this, I wasn't sure what we'd do.

I rolled my hips the best I could onto his, causing him to moan into my mouth. I was starting to feel lightheaded at shear amount of contact between us. It was too much all at once, but at the same not even close to enough.

"Chr-Chris…" he moaned out gently, pulling away from the kiss. His head rested against the wall behind us, giving me perfect access to his neck. I latched my lips onto his skin, starting to suck tenderly at the skin there. He let out another moan and moved his hand up to rest against my back. "Chris, please…"

"What do you want?" I whispered as I continued to suck at his neck, pressing kisses and biting in all the most sensitive places on his neck, all the places that I knew drove him crazy.

"You… I-I want you so bad… But—" he sniffled gently and shook his head. "No, I-I, wait…" I looked up at him, he sighed softly and bit his lip for a moment; he looked as if he were deep in thought. "What is this?" he finally whispered.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean… What are you doing? What are we doing?" he asked me quietly. "You ended things. You're getting married. Why are you doing this with me now?"

"I just… I don't know. I missed you and I–"

"Because I can't lose you again, Chris," he interrupted me. He looked as if he was going to cry again. "I-I want you, Chris. I want you _so_ bad but… if this is going to just me a onetime thing I can't do it. I-I can't be with you _like that_ and watch you go back to your fiancé."

"What are you asking me to do, Darren?" I asked softly, pulling completely away from him.

"I'm asking you to choose, Chris. Do you want to be with me, or do you want to be with him, j-just because it's easier for you?" He looked at me and waited for me to respond. But I couldn't. I didn't know how to respond.

My head was telling me to pick Matthew. Matthew treated me well, wanted the same things I wanted, understood me; Matthew who I was engaged to. My head was trying to get across to me that I needed to pick him. It was the smartest thing to do. I wouldn't have to deal with the press; I wouldn't have to worry about being labeled a cheater, even if that's exactly what I was. In theory it was so much easier to just be with Matthew.

Then there was my heart, my heart that was screaming at me, telling me that I _needed_ to choose Darren. Darren who was the only one with the ability to make me feel this alive and this loved. When I was with him everything felt right. Everything felt as if it were meant to be; it felt as if I were made to be with him. He made me feel things that I only thought people felt in movies or on TV. I never thought that love could be this strong and heartbreaking. But it was too hard for both of us. I was at a complete loss as to what to do.

I opened my mouth to respond, tell him that I didn't know, and tell him that as much as I wanted to be with him it was just too damn hard for both of us. "Darren—"

"Yeah, that's what I thought," he muttered. Tears came to his eyes again and he pushed past me.

"Darren, wait!"

He turned around to face me, all the anger and hurt evident in his expression once again. "I hope you're happy with him, I really do, even though we both know that you'd be happier with _me_." He yelled at me. His voice was so full of anger that it almost scared me.

"You know, you once called me a coward for not coming out, for not telling everyone that we were together. Perhaps you were right, maybe I am. But I'm not the only one who's a coward, Chris. When you left me I told you that I would come out for you if it meant that you didn't leave, but you did. You _left me,_ Chris! I would have done _fucking _anything to get you to stay but you didn't; you still left. You wouldn't even let me talk to you about it! You just left me. You were, and still are, so concerned with the future and how people see us that you can't get a grasp on the fact that we're supposed to be together." He paused a moment to collect his thoughts, or to let me say something, I wasn't sure. If it was to let me say something it wasn't going to happen, tears were falling down my face too fast and sobs were threatening to escape my body. I felt as if all the air had been taken out of me. I couldn't breathe, physically couldn't breathe. All I could do was stand there in the middle of the bathroom and gasp for air.

"Life isn't a fucking fairytale, Chris, and it's about damn time you figure that out."

With that, he left. He turned away from me and walked out of the bathroom. The second he left I leaned to against the wall and sank down. Now I was the idiot sobbing and trying to get a grip on life in the men's room of the People's Choice Awards. I didn't even care if anyone came in and saw me… I just wanted this night to be over with.


	5. Chapter 5

**Ermergerd. What's this? An update? *Gasps* Yeah. Sorry bout the lack of updating. I've been super busy lately. Ya know, with the second term in school ending, trying to turn in all my late work and other unimportant shit like that. I was planning on writing this Sunday... But I ended up playing Call Of Duty all day with my best friend. Bitch got me addicted. **

**Anyways, sorry about the lack of updating... But you might wanna get used to it, because I have NO idea when I'm even going to have time to plan chapter six, much less write it. I'm sorry! Don't hate me! **

**I know I PM'd someone that this story would be around ten chapters, but honestly, not sure. I'd say anywhere from seven to ten chapters... I have two paths in my head as to how to wrap this up and I'm not sure which one to take exactly. **

**Well, enough of my jibber jabber. Read on! :) **

**Love you guys. **

* * *

I couldn't stand to be there any longer. I needed to get out that very moment. If I had to look at Chris, sobbing and desperately gasping for air, just like I'd been doing every single day since he left me, I knew I'd lose it. The way he looked, the defeated, confused, broken expression he had on his face; that was exactly what I'd been feeling for every single day in the last three weeks.

Each day was a struggle to get out of bed and go one with my life. Each day it was nearly impossible to act like I was okay, because I wasn't. I wasn't okay; I'd never be okay without him in my life. I knew I loved Chris, I had for some time now, but I had no idea just how much I really loved him until he left. I had no idea how much I loved him until I couldn't feel his arms around me, until I couldn't feel his comforting voice, the desperate moans he made in response to my own the middle of the night. It was like he was completely gone.

I didn't know it was possible to hurt this much over someone. I used to think people who fell in love like this were lame, that they just needed to get over themselves and stop being so melodramatic. Then when I fell for Chris I understood that when you fall so far in love with someone, losing them kills you. It hurt so bad losing him, but seeing him like that, so hurt and desperate, that killed me even more.

I knew I might have been a little harsh with him. I know deep down Chris really did have my best intentions in his heart, he wouldn't do something like this to if he didn't. I still couldn't get over the fact that he _left_ me. Even though he'd promised he'd always love me, he walked away. I know he was didn't mean to hurt me like this but he still did. He didn't even give me a chance to talk to him about it… and that killed me. This whole damn thing killed me.

At first when he left I'd promised myself that I'd get him back, that I'd make him see that we were right for each other, that I loved him more than his fiancé ever could. It would be just like in one of those fairytales Chris loved so much. Then I remembered: life isn't like a fairytale. After a while all the determination I had to get Chris back slowly turned into anger, and all I could feel was anger towards him. Anger, heartbreak and so, _so _much love.

I started to second guess his love for me. Maybe he did love Matthew more than me? Maybe he did want to be with him more? I didn't know. I didn't know a damn thing. Everything was so fucking confusing for me. I was almost sure Chris had chosen him because he _wanted _to for a while, up until just talking to him.

I broke up with Mia a week after Chris had ended things with me. I know it sounds cliché and incredibly cheesy but if I couldn't be with Chris I didn't want to be with anyone. I didn't even want to look at anyone else. I just wanted him. I wanted him to hold me again, hold me and tell me that everything would be okay. Even if it wasn't.

-0-

_ I took a deep breath and made my way up the door. _Shit,_ I thought, _this isn't going to be easy. _I sighed and closed my eyes a moment before knocking on her door. How was I even going to tell her? Do I just spit it out? How do you lay something like this on someone gently? I hated myself. I should have done this months ago. I should have done this the moment I fell in love with Chris, but I didn't. Instead I cheated on her. I felt like a horrible person._

_ I finally gathered the courage to go open up her door and knock. Unlike Chris' house, I had to knock when it was Mia. It would feel just walking into her house for some reason. _I_t took her all of thirty seconds to answer the door, which was not even close enough to gather my thoughts._

_She opened the door and smiled out at me. Don't get me wrong, Mia's a very pretty girl... But she's not Chris. She doesn't smile the way he does, laugh the way he does, kiss me the way he does. No, not does. Did. Chris left me. _

_"Darren? What are you doing here?" She asked right away. I sighed gently and shrugged a bit. I had honestly no idea what I was doing. _

_"I-I… Can I come in? I kinda need to talk to you." _

_She raised her eyebrow a bit but shrugged as well, and let me in. I walked into her place and looked around. Everything was so neat, too neat. Not at all like Chris' house. It isn't like his place is unclean. It's clean enough not to be disgusting, but messy enough to be homey. I didn't have to worry about putting my feet on the coffee table or couch, I didn't have to worry about dropping food on the floor, because he didn't care – or maybe he did and just didn't show it. Either way, Chris' house was like home to me. _

_"What did you need to talk about?" She asked me, walking over to the couch and sitting down. I followed her and sat a good distance away from her, just like Chris had with me when he ended things. _

_"Us…" I sighed softly and bit my lip. "God… I-I don't know how to say this…" _

_She looked down at her hands and shook her head a bit. "There's someone else, isn't there?" I bit down on my lip harder, much harder. I felt sick to my stomach. Even if I didn't love her I shouldn't have done this to her, I felt horrible. Worse than horrible, I don't even think there's a combination of words suited well enough to fit how I was feeling at the moment. _

_"Mia, I'm so sorry… But, y-yeah, there is," I paused a moment to gauge her reaction. She looked sad yet not too surprised. Had she seen it coming?_

_"It's Chris, isn't it?" _

_Now it was my turn to look down at my hands. Guilt washed over me so hard that I felt as if I were drowning in it. "How'd you know?" I whispered after a moment. _

_She let out a humorless snicker and shook her head a bit. "I'm not stupid. I saw the way you looked at him. I saw it all I just… didn't want to believe it. Maybe I am stupid–"_

_"No!" I cut her off in a rush. I wasn't going to let her do this to herself; this wasn't her fault, it was mine. I was the one who'd cheated, not her. "Mia, you didn't do anything. I just… It just happened. And I'm sorry." _

_"You love him, don't you?" _

_I closed my eyes and nodded gently. "Y-Yeah, I do." _

_We were both silent for a moment, sitting there on her couch, not moving, just… sitting. All I could do was think about Chris. Think about how I wish I could call him and talk to him about this; tell him how I was feeling and how much I needed him to just hold me right now. Then I remembered that I couldn't. _

_"I hope things work out with you two…" she muttered. She didn't seem to convincing, but you can't blame her. I wouldn't if I were in her shoes. _

_"Thanks." I didn't bother mentioning the fact that Chris had left me for Matthew, right now all I wanted to do was go home, get back in bed and continue my pity party. She smiled sadly over at me and stood up. _

_"Maybe you should go now?" She asked. "I kinda want to be alone right now." _

_I nodded gently and stood up. "I'm so sorry. Please… please don't blame this on yourself. What I did was wrong and I-I–"_

_"Stop, okay? I know you are. I can see it your dopey-puppy eyes," she let out another humorless laugh and started to walk away. _

_"Mia?" She turned around and looked at me with sad eyes. "You'll find someone ten-hundred times better than me. I promise."_

_She shrugged and turned back around. "Bye, Darren." _

-0-

When I ended things with Mia I felt like the biggest douchebag on the planet. The way she looked broke my heart, the fact that I could have that big of an impact on someone, the fact that I _cheated _on someone. What Chris and I had done was wrong, it didn't feel like it when I was with him… but now, without him, everything felt wrong. No matter what I did all I could feel was guilt, heartbreak, and anger. I hated feeling this way. _Hated_ it. Did all of this make me a bad person? As much as I don't regret being with Chris, I do regret cheating on Mia; she didn't deserve this. She never asked for any of this.

I sniffled once more before standing up and attempting to get my emotions in check. I was certain I looked like shit, but honestly I didn't even care. I started slowly inside the large room where the award ceremony was being held in. I had my eyes downcast the whole entire time, just in case there was anyone out there. I didn't want anyone to see how red my eyes were, at the moment at least. I was sure that someone might catch on eventually.

Unluckily I sat a few rows behind Chris, Lea and _him._ I know I had no right to, but I hated him. He had everything I used to have, everything that I'd lost. I couldn't stop myself from staring at Chris and Matthew and just feeling an overwhelming sense of jealousy. They were holding hands, smiling and Matthew even kissed Chris' cheek on one occasion. Each time I saw it, that forced smile Chris had on his face, the way he bit down on his lip each time Matthew kissed or touched him, it made me feel sick.

Most of the show was a blur. I remembered to clap and cheer when necessary, but other than that I was in an almost complete and total daze. All I could do was think about my confrontation with Chris in the bathroom. If I closed my eyes, I could still feel his lips on mine…

I vaguely remember Lea's name being called and clapping for extra enthusiastically for her, but I didn't really remember any of what she said. All I remembered is that Chris was next, and I knew for a fact that he was going to win.

Lea smiled beautifully and walked off stage. Ellen continued to talk about the male nominees. I felt my stomach twist up even more than it was a moment ago. "And the People's Choice is…" She paused for dramatic effect, but I knew for a fact whose name was going to be called, I'm pretty sure everyone knew whose name would be called. "Chris Colfer!"

Chris acted happy and surprised, but I could tell it was all for show. I saw the way he was when I left him in the bathroom, he was… brokenhearted. He walked up to the stage, hugged Ellen and made his way over to the microphone. He was quiet for a second, searching the crowd a moment before his eyes set on me for another short second. He looked away and started to give his speech. Even though I was mad, even though he had hurt me, I was so proud of him. He deserved this award, and every award, honestly.

"To be handed an award by this women is just… incredible," he smiled over at Ellen before looking out back to the crowd, his eyes falling on me once more. "Um, thank you so much for this, this means the absolute world to me. I-It's an honor to uh- uh somewhat represent you out there," he looked down at his award a moment. I chuckled softly to myself, his stutter was adorable, probably one of the most adorable things about him. "A-And it's so flattering to be exploited in your fanfiction. I can't tell you… It is the ultimate uh, high five," he mimicked a high five to the crowd as everyone erupted in laughter and excitement. "Um, so thank you so much to our wonderful fans; the uh, the Klainers, the Gleeks, all the names you have for yourselves. It's just; it's amazing to be the subject of your fandom so thank you, thank you so much from the bottom of our heart, and to our amazing crew and cast thank you guys so much, thank you, thank you…"

He paused momentarily and I thought that he was done, but he wasn't. He looked over at me once more and locked eyes with me. To anyone else it would look like he was looking at his fiancé, but I know for a fact that he was looking at me. He had that _look _on his face. That look that I knew for a fact was reserved for me.

"And… I want to thank this wonderful man in my life; I don't know where I'd be without you. I'm so, so excited to spend my life with you." I felt hot tears rushing to my eyes. I almost got up and left, I didn't know how much more I could take of this. I couldn't sit here and watch him do this to me, to himself, anymore. "You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. You've always been there for me so I just want to say that… I love you, Darren."

_Darren._

-0-

Chris' face went whiter than it usually was. He opened his mouth to say something else, but he didn't, instead he ran straight off stage. I felt as if within two seconds the whole entire room's eyes were on me. I instantly got up and rushed out of the room. I had to find him, I had to. I didn't know what I'd do if – _when _– I did, but I knew for a fact I had to talk to him. I ran backstage, after pushing my way past a few of the security guards. I can't even describe what I was feeling in that moment; it was kind of like my body was on auto pilot.

I could tell by the expression on Chris' face that he hadn't meant to say my name, but that's all I knew. I wanted so badly to ask him about it, but couldn't. I had no idea where he was.

Suddenly I felt someone's hand on my wrist. I whirled around and looked to see who it was. Lea stood behind me with a wide, confused look on her face. "Darren, what the hell was th–?"

"Lea, I can't talk about it now. Just tell me where Chris is… Please?" She sighed and gestured out to the back door.

"I think he left, but, Da—?"

I didn't let her finish. I darted out of the large, crowded backstage and outside. I had no idea how I was supposed to find Chris amongst all of this, but I had to at least try.

-0-

I'd looked everywhere for Chris, absolutely everywhere for him. I had no idea where he was. The thought that he could have just left to go home entered my mind, so I darted towards my car. _Fuck, _suits definitely aren't the best thing to run in.

The second I got to my car I saw him. He was leaning against the door of my car, his head in his hands; he looked like a little ball, trying his best to curl into himself. His whole body was shaking with sobs; I couldn't stand to see him like this. I walked over to him quickly and wrapped my arms around his shoulders. He must've not heard my walking to him, because the second I slid down next to him and pulled him into my arms he jumped.

He looked at me with tear filled eyes and let out another sob. "I-I'm so-so so, s-sorry," he cried. I hushed him quietly in attempt to calm him down; he put his head against my chest and allowed me to pull him closer to me. He was sobbing so hard his whole body was shaking and trembling.

"D-Dare, I-I'm sorry. I-I'm sorry for ou-outing you and… and for ending things with you and for-for everything," he stuttered out.

"Shh, Baby, Baby… It's okay," I whispered gently. I hadn't even really processed how this was affecting me so far, all I was really concerned about was Chris. He'd looked so terrified on stage. All I wanted to do was hold him until he stopped hurting.

"N-no! Darren, it's not okay!" he nearly yelled. "I-I _outed _you! A-Aren't you even the least bit mad at me for that?"

I sighed softly and tightened my grip on him. "Chris, look at me." It took him a second but he looked up at me. "I love you, Baby," I whispered and kissed his forehead softly. "I love you no matter what happens." Chris opened his mouth to say something else, but I cut him off, I needed to let him know how I felt. "You didn't mean to say my name up there, right?" Chris nodded in agreement. "I'm not mad at you, I promise."

Chris sniffled gently and put his head down on my shoulder. "I just want to go home," he whispered, if you can call it a whisper, it was barely even that.

"Do you want me to drive you home?"

He shook his head tightened his grip on me. "Can I go home with you? I-I don't want to be alone tonight…"

I nodded softly and started to help Chris up. "Yeah, you can." He tried to smile at me, but he didn't quite manage to actually smile, I didn't blame him though. I understood completely how upset he was.

I laced my fingers together with his and started to walk to the passenger side of the car. I opened the door and helped him in, pressing a gentle kiss to his forehead as he sat down. He sniffled again and tried, again, to smile at me. I knew that at the moment that'd be hard for him. Hell, for me. This whole thing was hard for me, seeing him hurting so much, realizing that we were finally going to have to face everyone… it was all coming into light to me. I knew we'd have to deal with it eventually, but now I just wanted to get Chris home.

-0-

We were both silent the entire ride home. I held Chris' hand the whole way; even under these circumstances it was nice to be able to hold his hand again, even though I wasn't sure what any of this meant. For all I knew we were still back to square one, which was not being together.

Once we got back to my house I helped Chris inside. By this time he'd stopped crying as much, it was mainly just soft sniffles every now and then. He looked run down. I wished that I could make him feel better, but I knew for a fact that wasn't a realistic option at the moment. Nothing was going to make him feel one-hundred percent better right now, not even me.

I helped him upstairs the second we got inside. He didn't say it, he didn't have to, but I knew he just wanted to lie down. I couldn't blame him, so did I. He sat down on my bed as I searched for the old flannel pajamas bottoms he left here for when he spent the night, even though when he was here he rarely ended up wearing them. I sat down next to him and handed them to him. He took them with a small smile, which still was barely even a smile.

"Can we just go to sleep?" Chris asked softly. He sniffled gently and wiped at his red-rimmed eyes. "I know it's early, but I haven't been sleeping well lately and I just… I want to go to bed."

I smiled at him a little and pressed a kiss to his forehead. "Of course we can, Sweetheart."

He stood up and started to pull off his dress pants and shirt. He threw them to the side, making sure they landed on a chair to the side of my room. He pulled on the pants that I had gave him and crawled into bed. I quickly did the same, undressing and pulling on an old pair of sweats before getting into bed with him.

I wrapped my arms around Chris and pulled him close to my body. "I love you," I whispered softly into his hair.

He sniffled gently and scooted back into my chest a little. "I love you too."

Neither of us said anything for a long time. We just laid together in bed, holding tightly to one another. My mind was racing. I was sure that the media, my PA team, even Ryan would be all over us for this. No one was going to give us a break, and honestly, I don't blame them. Still, I wasn't sure how I was going to deal with it.

What did it really mean? Chris had only said my name; of course there were ways to cover this up. We could say that he just accidently said my name, which realistically, no one was going to buy. We could say that he was in love with me and that's why he said my name instead of his fiancé's, but I wouldn't do that to him. Sure, there were ways to cover this up, but maybe it was time to stop trying to cover us up.

"Hey, Dare?" Chris whispered sleepily. I was dragged out of my train of thought by his voice. I looked down at him and smiled softly, moving my hand to play gently with his hair. I knew that always comforted him.

"Yeah?"

"I choose you," he whispered, falling to sleep shortly afterwards. A wider smile spread across my face. Those three words made me feel like we'd be fine, even if we'd have to go through shit to get there.


	6. Chapter 6

**Hey there. Sorry for the delay, I had this written last night and I wanted to upload it _so _bad but I had no wifi so... yeah. Sorry about any grammatical errors. I didn't get to look this one over. I pulled a muscle in my neck and I just now got to the point where I could type without wanting to die. Anyways, here you go. Chapter 6. I have no idea when chapter 7 will be up.**

**Here's the link to read this on It-Could-Happen. :) www. it-could-happen viewstory .php?sid=780 Just without the spaces ff. net won't let me put in a link. **

**Go on and read. Enjoy! **

* * *

Everything was dark. Not scary dark though, like a peaceful dark. It was warm, comforting, inviting even. I wanted to lay in this place forever. It was so familiar, yet at the same time it felt far gone, like I'd known I'd been in this place before but it'd been forever. Now that I was again I was afraid opening my eyes would ruin it. If I opened my eyes it wouldn't' just be a beautiful dream anymore, everything had to be real. I didn't want to return to reality, I wanted to stay here in this comforting, safe-haven, because let's be honest… reality's a bitch.

I don't know how long I kept my eyes closed, it could have been over an hour, but it felt like it were only a few seconds. Eventually, and very slowly, I opened my eyes to see that Darren was still laying there, his arms tightly around me as he slept. I smiled softly to myself. _Dear lord, he's beautiful…_

I rolled in Darren's arms so that I was facing him. Last night had been horrible, but right now, in Darren's arms… Everything seemed like it was going to be okay.

I knew that this whole thing was going to be hard, for both of us. More for Darren than for me of course; I still couldn't believe I'd done that to him. I'd outed him. It wasn't intentional, I swear it wasn't. I would never do that to anyone, not even my worst enemy… much less the person I love the most in the world. I was just caught up in the moment. I was giving my little acceptance speech and all I could think about the fight the two of us had just had. It was all so fresh in my mind, it still hurt so badly. The look of pain and rejection on Darren's face stung me like a whole nest of hornets. All I could do when I was up there was stare at him, that same look of pain still evident on his face, and think about how much I loved him. Then it happened. I'd meant to say that I loved Matthew, that's what a good fiancé does, right? You say that you love your soon-to-be husband's name when something like that happens. Then again, a good fiancé would have never done what I'd done in the first place…

I sighed softly. I didn't want to think about this anymore. I was with Darren again; couldn't I just be happy for a little while? For him? I wanted to be, I really did, but that overwhelming sense of guilt kept turning in my stomach, making my whole body ache. It was such a weird feeling. I felt happy because I was with Darren; I could feel his arms around me, his warmth against me, his breath against my face, and everything that was good about him was lying there, right in front of me. Theoretically I should be happy. I was, in a way, but I also felt extremely guilty for what I'd done to Matthew. He was a really good guy; I can't even stress how much he _did not deserve this._

I felt Darren start to move next to me. It was always entertaining to watch him wake up in the morning. It's always a routine. He'll yawn, open his eyes for approximately one to two seconds, close them again, groan like someone had just hit him in the stomach, yawn, try and pull something over his head (examples: a pillow, a blanket, a shirt, once he pick up Brian thinking he was a pillow. Did not end well _at all_), yawn, groan again, open his eyes again, yawn, then, if I'm lucky, he'll stay awake. No matter what's going on, I can't help but to laugh softly through his little morning routine.

"G'mornin'," he said through a yawn. I smiled softly and leaned in, pressing a gentle kiss to his nose. He wrinkled his nose up as I did so, causing me to giggle softly. He's so fucking adorable, sometimes I can't help but to just laugh at all the cute little things he does.

"Good morning, Baby," I say after a second of just looking at him, trying to take in and understand how someone can look _that_ gorgeous. He smiled at me and pulled me closer to him. I moved a little in his arms so that I could rest my head on his chest. He started to gently play with my messy hair, still keeping his arms securely around me. I felt so safe in his arms, like nothing would ever hurt me as long as I just stayed here.

We stayed quiet for a while, the only noise being our breathing. I'm not sure how long it was before I broke the silence, but that seems to be how it is. Whenever I'm with him time just stands still, nothing else matters but _him._

"I'm sorry," I finally whispered. I wasn't looking at him, just closing my eyes and burying my more into his old t-shirt. "So, _so_, sorry, Dare…"

Darren sighed gently and pressed a kiss to the top of my head. "Look at me," I inhaled a little into his shirt before looking up into his honey-hazel eyes. He was smiling at me still. _Smiling._ "Sweetheart, you need to stop apologizing. I'm not mad at you, not at all. I'm relieved actually, because now," he pressed a kiss gently to my lips before continuing, "Now, you're mine again."

"I never really stopped being yours," I whispered before leaning back in and kissing him again. The kiss was longer this time, but still chaste.

After a few seconds he pulled away and bit his lip a little. "Can I ask you something?"

"You just did."

"Smartass."

We looked at each other for a second or two before laughing. He nudged my side a tiny bit and finally stopped laughing. "Seriously though, I need to ask you something."

I laughed a little and nodded. "Okay, go ahead."

"Did you… did you ever love him?" he asked softly. I could tell he felt bad about the question by the way he looked down and away from me. I was quiet for a moment, even though I knew my answer. I just needed a moment to think, order my thoughts.

"Honestly? I thought I did. A long time ago, before we were even friends, I thought I loved him," I saw Darren's face fall a tiny bit. I leaned in and pressed a kiss to his jaw. "Then, I met this crazy, curly-haired, dorky hobbit. He made me feel things that I never thought anyone could ever make me feel. Whenever I saw him my heart started to beat ten times faster. Whenever he touched me I felt my whole body start to tingle. Whenever he looked at me with his beautiful, sparkling, hazel eyes I felt like I was on top of the world, like the most loved human being in the entire universe." Darren smiled at me and tried his best to move closer to me. He leaned in again and pressed a gentle kiss to my lips.

"It isn't possible for anyone to love someone as much as I love you," he whispered against my lips once he pulled away. My eyes were still half shut from when we were kissing. My whole body felt like it was on fire, but it was a good kind of fire. I never knew you could feel this way; it didn't seem possible to feel so strongly for someone.

"I love you too."

-0-

It took us both a while to actually get ourselves out of bed. We had lain there so long, holding onto each other, kissing, talking about nothing important; we were being _us _for the first time in a very, very long time_._ We weren't talking about anything important, definitely not about the past day's events, just random things that weren't at all important. It was nice thought, to be able to be casual with him again. I'd missed that. I'd missed everything.

We'd taken a shower together once we'd finally decided to get out of bed. It'd taken us a little longer than we'd expected because of, well, reasons.

"What do you want for breakfast?" Darren asked as he toweled off his wet curls before wrapping the same towel around his waist. "I think I have some bacon and eggs in the kitchen. I might have some leftover mac n cheese though. I could warm that up… or we could be total pigs and order pizza for breakfast… Oh! We could eat cake for breakfast! I think I have cake left over from–"

I shut him up with a kiss before he suggested we eat anything else. "I think I need to go to Matthew's. It's probably best to break this to him while I still have the courage to do it."

Darren sighed softly and looked down as his bare feet. "I wish you'd stay here with me. Just for today," he took my hand and started to play with my fingers, but he was still looking down. "I just got you back; I don't want you to leave again."

"It'll only be for a few hours, Baby," I said. I could tell that there was something else on his mind. I took my hand away from him and wrapped my arms around his waist. "You wanna tell me what else's on your mind?"

"Don't be mad, okay?" He asked softly, looking at me with wide eyes. I nodded a promise and let him go on. "It's just… it'd be easier for you if you went back to him. I thought about it, and it would be. I'm not saying I want you to, because I don't. I-I never want to lose you again. I'm just saying that if you went over and made things right with him, it'd be easier for you. Not that anything's going to be easy at this point, I'm just… I know I'm rambling; I just don't want to lose you again. It hurt enough the first time, losing you again would kill me. I know it would."

I felt a tug in my heart as Darren spoke. I pulled him closer to me and squeezed him tightly, so tightly I'm fairly sure it might've hurt him a little, but I don't think he minded. He was holding onto me just as tightly.

"I only ever want to be with you, Sweetheart," I told him gently. "And besides, I doubt he'd take me back. I wouldn't want him to," I paused and pulled away a tiny bit, enough to look Darren in the eyes. "You, my dear, have _nothing_ to worry about. I love you. You know that. I'm not letting anything else come between us again. I promise."

Darren smiled at me and nodded. "Thank you, Chris," he whispered. I nodded softly and leaned in to kiss him.

_Fuck, I've missed him so much… _

-0-

I drove agonizingly slowly to Matthew's house. I felt horrible about what I was about to do. I mean, in theory at least, he was still my fiancé. I knew he loved me; that's what made this so hard. I felt the same sickening guilt in my stomach the whole entire ride to his house. I kept thinking it over and over how he'd take it in my head, and I came to a solution… I had no fucking idea.

I wasn't sure if he would yell, if he would cry, or if… hell, for all I knew he would open the door, see me, and slam it right in my face. I wouldn't blame him if he did. I deserved it after what I did to him.

I parked outside Matthew's as I got there. I took a deep breath and just sat in my car for about ten minutes. I wasn't sure if I could do this. I thought about just turning around and going back to Darren's house, wait until later to do this. _Yeah, that'd be best… _

_Good luck, Baby. I know this isn't going to be easy for you, but I know you can do it. I love you with all my heart. xx –D_

I smiled at the text that Darren had just sent me. I could do this. I knew it. All I had to do was go up to the door and get this over with. So that's what I did. I got out of my car, walked up the side walk to his door, and knocked. It felt like years until Matthew answered, but eventually he did.

The door was barely opened, but opened enough that I could see him. He looked awful. His normally styled blonde hair was left in a tangle atop his head; his usually happy green eyes had bags under them, he looked as if he'd been crying as well. _Fuck. _

"Where the hell have you been?" he rasped. He was just barely looking out at me, almost glaring at me as I stood on his front porch.

"Can I come in? We need to talk," I said. It took him a few minutes, but eventually he nodded a little and opened the door enough for me to walk in. I stepped inside and before I could do anything he walked over to the couch. I wasn't sure what to do, was I supposed to sit next to him?

"Sit," he answered my thoughts. I nodded a little and sat down next to him, leaving a huge space in between us. He stared at me like he was looking at someone he'd once known well, but hadn't seen for ten years. It broke my heart. He almost had the same look Darren had when I broke things off with him those weeks ago.

"Is it true?" he whispered after a few seconds. "Do you, ya know, him?"

I nodded softly. "Yeah, I-I… I do."

Matthew's whole entire expression fell even sadder. He looked down into his lap and bit down on his lip. "How long have you been…?" I knew he could finish. He shook his head and motioned his hand a little to get the point across.

"About a year," I answered truthfully.

"God… You…" He looked up at me, his eyes full of tears. "It's hard to even look at you right now," he whispered. I felt another stab of guilt in my heart. "I-I thought you loved me."

"Matt, I'm so sorry. I know that doesn't mean a lot to you, I can understand why it doesn't. What Darren and I did, what _I did _to you was terrible. You didn't deserve it… I should have fessed up to you a long time ago. I shouldn't have done it in the first place, but I did. It happened and Darren and I both feel horrible about it," I sighed softly and shook my head a tiny bit. I could feel my own eyes filling with tears. "I'm an awful person, I know I am."

"You aren't an awful person, Chris," he whispered. He still wasn't looking at me, just the ring on my finger. "You did a really, horrible, awful, shitty thing... But _you_ aren't an awful person."

"Do you think one day you can find it in your heart to forgive me?" I asked him softly.

He shrugged a tiny bit. "I don't know. Maybe… Not anytime soon though."

I nodded a little and we were both quiet. We just sat there on his couch, both lost in thought. I couldn't help but to feel sad about this. Just because I wasn't _in love_ with him didn't mean I didn't love him. He'd always be one of my best friends, even if I wasn't one of his. We did have good times together, but once I met Darren and fell in love with him… everything changed.

"I should go," I said after a few minutes.

He nodded a little. "Yeah, you probably should."

"Can I… can I hug you?" I asked gently. "You can say no if you want. I just–"

"Yeah, you can," he whispered. I moved closer to him and pulled him into a hug. He put his chin on top of my shoulder and let out a gently cry; another stab of guilt to my heart. I tightened my grip on him for a moment and squeezed my eyes shut. I felt horrible, so _fucking_ horrible. I couldn't believe I'd done something like this to him.

I pulled away after a second and smiled gently at him. "Oh," I looked down to my hand and slipped off the ring he'd given to me. "Here, you should take this," I said, putting the golden ring into his hand. "I know one day you'll find someone who's worth this."

He took the ring with one hand and wiped away a tear that had fallen from his eye with his other. "You'll always be worth it to me, ba- Chris."

_More guilt. _

-0-

After I left Matthew's house, I had a little break down in my car. I couldn't help it. I felt awful. I came close to actually getting sick at one point… but as soon as I pulled up the text Darren had sent me earlier, I felt a little better. I sent him a quick text back, telling him that it was over with Matthew, also that I was going to go back to my place to get a few things for the next few days and to feed Brian. He sent me a text only a few moments away saying simply _I love you. _

After responding with the same, I headed back to my place. I opened the door to see Brian sitting in front of it, meowing like a maniac at me. I reached down and scooped him up in my arms (not an easy task) and pressed a kiss to his furry head.

"Hey, Buddy. I missed you. Did you miss me?" He _mroww'd_ again, which I'm pretty sure is Brian speak for _Chris, shut the fuck up and feed me. _ I took him into the kitchen and plopped him down onto the floor next to his food bowl before filling it and another bowl up. I wasn't sure how long I'd be gone, so I didn't want him to go without food. Not that it'd hurt him or anything… Last time I weighed him he'd gotten up to twenty five pounds.

As Brian ate I started to get a few things from my bedroom. I knew I had a couple of things at Darren's house, but it would be nice to have some things from my own place. I grabbed an old bag from the back of my closet and threw a few things in it; some clothes, my phone charger, my laptop, just generally some things I'd need for the next few days.

I looked down at my phone and looked threw my other messages.

_What the fucking hell, Chris? – Lea_

_You have some seriously explaining to do. –Amber_

_I knew you two were fucking. –Mark_

_Christopher Paul Colfer. Tell me what the hell is happening right now. –Ashley _

Those were only four of them. I had at least twenty calls from different people, my parents, Hannah, the cast, other friends, both Darren and my own manager, my book publicist even called me. I groaned softly. I didn't want to deal with this. I knew I had to eventually, but it doesn't mean I wanted to.

_Mrooww_. I laughed softly as Brian walked into my bedroom. He walked up in between my legs and started to rub against them. I smiled a little and leaned down, picking him up again and sitting down on my bed. I fell back against my bed and Brian curled up on my chest. I started to scratch gently at his head. It felt like this was the only time in the last few weeks that I'd been alone.

I closed my eyes and continued to pet Brian, listening to the gentle purring noises he was making. It felt as if everything were moving too fast yet in slow motion at the same time. I knew eventually Darren and I'd have to face our friends, the media, everyone. I could just see it now; talk show interviews, magazine interviews, the paparazzi following everyone movement we made. My attempt to have a semi-private life had just been ruined. There was no possible way to keep private now. It seemed that our loves had been transformed into an open book for everyone and anyone who cared to read about.

I'd lain on my bed for about fifteen minutes, just soaking up the alone time, alone minus Brian that is. After a while I'd convinced myself to get up. As much as I wanted to get back to Darren's house, I was sort of enjoying the quiet.

I picked Brian up off of me and put him down on the bed. I grabbed my bag and pressed a gentle kiss to his fur, starting to pet gently at his back. "I'll be back in a while. Okay, big guy? I'm gonna miss you. You gonna miss me?"

_Mrrrooww. _

-0-

I hurried back to Darren's house. I really had started to miss him. After barely seeing him in three weeks and only being able to actually be with him for a few hours yesterday and a few today I just wanted to go back to his house, cuddle up on his bed and watch a movie with him. I didn't want to think about anything important, or do anything important. I didn't want to deal with any of the shit we'd undoubtedly have to go through in the next few months; I just wanted to be with him.

I walked through the door, using the spare key he'd given me far before we'd even started this, and looked around for him. Usually when I walked into his house he'd be on the couch; he'd be playing his guitar, reading _The Land of Stories_ (even though he's read it about four times), watching T.V., or just sleeping, but this time he wasn't.

"Dare?" I called out as I walked into the kitchen. He wasn't there either. "Sweetheart? Where are you?" I knew he had to be here. His car was in the garage, plus I was sure he wouldn't be going anywhere under these circumstances.

I had no clue where he was. I'd checked all the rooms except the bedroom, I almost didn't go in. If he was sleeping I didn't want to wake him up, then again, if he was sleeping I'd get to watch him perform his little wake up routine…

I walked into his room, expecting to see him sleeping on the bed, but he wasn't. Even though he was on the bed, but he wasn't lying down. He was just sitting there, the lights off, candles set out in the room, a bottle of champagne on the dresser, rose petals on the floor, and a bouquet of roses in his hands. He looked as if he were deep in thought, I'm not even sure he'd noticed I'd came in, or what the hell he was doing for that matter.

"Dare?" I asked and he looked up to me. He stood up right away, nearly dropping the roses in his hands. He blushed a little and hand them to me.

"These are for you," he said nervously. "Uh… this is all for you."

"What do you mean?" I asked an extremely fidgety Darren. He was alternating from wringing his hands together, picking at a loose string on his old University of Michigan shirt and sticking his hand in and out of his sweatpants.

"I-I mean, that… that I love you. I know that's probably about the thirtieth time I've said that today, but I don't care, because I love you so much, Chris. You're my whole entire world and I can't imagine my life without you," Darren stepped a little closer to me and gave a nervous smile.

I looked at the roses in my hand. They were beautiful, absolutely breathtaking. I don't think I'd ever seen a more beautiful arrangement of flowers. There seemed to be every color of rose imaginable in the bouquet.

I smiled at Darren and held the roses to my nose. "They're beautiful, Baby," I said with a smile. "Thank you, for that… and all this. You really went over the top for us to have a romantic evening together, but I love it."

"This is a lot more than a romantic evening. I mean, at least… I want it to be," Darren bit his bottom lip and ran his hand through his hair. "I'm making a mess of this whole thing," he muttered, sighing gently and looking down. I was completely baffled. Honestly, I had no idea what he was doing. All I knew is that he was nervous, very nervous.

"What's going on?" I asked him before taking a step closer and taking his hand. "Come on, tell me." He looked up at me with smile, a nervous smile, but still a beautiful smile on his face.

"I need to ask you something. Something I've wanted to ask you for about every single day in the last year but I never thought I'd be able to. I always thought that asking you would be stupid, because neither of us would be able to do anything about it." Darren closed his eyes a moment before pulling something out of his pocket. It was small and blue and looked… fuzzy. I guess fuzzy was the best way to describe it. "It's a pipe cleaner. I twisted it into a circle so it'd kind of be like a ring… I wanted to go out and get you a real one, but you know… The only reason I got the flowers and stuff is because I called Joey. Took him forever though, he wouldn't stop asking me about what was going on between me and you. I thought that even if it was only a pipe cleaner ring it'd at least be blue because I know it's your favorite color."

Darren was rambling, nervous rambling. It was actually quite adorable, even though I was starting to wonder exactly what he was doing. I thought I had an idea, but I didn't want to get excited about it or anything. It seemed all too good to be true.

"Seriously, Dare… Just–"

"Chris, I know you were just engaged, but I don't care. I love you. God, I love you so much. I want to spend each and every day of the rest of my life with you. I don't care about the bad publicity we're going to get, all the shit people are going to give us… I don't care. I just want to be with you. You… you're everything to me. You're my best friend and the one person I can't imagine having to spend my life without. I lost you once, and I can't ever do that again, because I need you, and I love you," Darren took my hand again and got down on one knee. I felt as if everything had stopped moving. This was really happening. It felt like a dream, an amazing dream that would kill me if I woke up from.

"You're my world, Chris. I know this is really lame ad cliché and that you deserve so, so, _so_ much better, but I couldn't wait. I wanted to do this today…" He took a deep breath and held out the makeshift ring. "So… Christopher Paul Colfer, will you… will you marry me?"

I couldn't say anything. I wanted to. _Fuck, _I wanted to. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs that _yes, I will marry you!_ But I couldn't. I was too excited and too head over heels in love with this beautiful man in front of me to say anything. All I could do was stare at him, down on one knee, _asking me to marry him. _The thought was enough to bring tears to my eyes, and it did. I had a steady stream of tears running down my cheeks. Darren was proposing to me, actually proposing to me.

"Please say something, Chris. Please… anything. Just… say something," Darren said. He looked so nervous that I was fairly sure he was going to pass out. I snapped out of my daze and nearly tackled him in a hug.

"Of course I will, you idiot!" I basically screamed in his ear. I was still crying, but for once they were happy tears. Darren tightened his arms around me and pulled me tightly to his body. It felt like everything, for once in our whole entire relationship, was right.

"Oh… Oh my God, really?" He asked, smiling widely and pulling away enough from me to look me in the eyes.

I nodded. "Y-Yeah, really," I said before chuckling softly. I was still in disbelief that his was happening. "Dare, _Fuck, _Baby, I love you so much," I whispered before leaning in and kissing him. Our lips slid together like they normally did, it was nothing different, but yet if felt a million times more passionate. I felt a million times more in love with him, with my fiancé. Darren was my fiancé, and I couldn't have been happier.


	7. Chapter 7

**GASP! An update? Yeah, I know... It's been a while. Sorry. I've just been busy with personal life shit and _stupid fucking writers_ block. I wrote a few one-shots for tumblr that I didn't post here, but other than that I couldn't figure out how the hell to write this chapter. But hey! I did! *Tiny Claps***

**If you wanna read any of my one-shots, I'm Crisscolfuurs on tumblr, so yeah... you can find me there. I post this story there too just in case something happens. Alright, I'll stop talking. Read along. **

**P.s. There's some Heya in this. Blink and you miss it. But, come on, WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO? **

**This isn't even remotely beta'd cause I'm tired and I know I'll have a busy day tomorrow... So sorry bout that. **

* * *

Everything seemed perfect. Chris was lying on top of my chest, his fingers gently playing with my curls, his breath on my face. We were both still slightly out of breath, but neither of us minded. I couldn't believe that this had happened. Chris and I were engaged, we were going to get _married. _ It was almost unfathomable; I'd never imagined this for us. I'd always assumed that we'd have to spend the rest of our lives hiding our dirty little secret, but getting married had never seemed to be an option for us, but now that it was… I couldn't quite wrap my head around it.

Chris leaned down and pressed a kiss to my cheek gently. I don't think I'd ever seen him look so happy in my life. His whole face seemed brighter; I couldn't believe that I, of all people, was responsible to making him happy. Compared to Chris I was just some bum, even though he hates when I say it, it's true. It's hard to believe that he actually chose me.

I moved my hand that had been previously rubbing gentle circles into his lower back to entwine with his own. I felt the fuzzy, scratchy material of the "ring" I'd made him against my finger. I let out a gentle chuckle and started to run my fingertips gently along his knuckles.

"Why are you laughing?" he asked me, leaning in again and pressing a kiss to my lips softly. I returned the kiss for a few seconds before pulling away and smiling at him, getting lost in the sea of blue and green he calls eyes.

"Because I'm happy and I love you," I paused and let out a gentle laugh, shaking my head a little at the same time. "And because I really need to get you an actual ring–"

"No!" Chris pulled his hand away from my own and held it to his chest like it was the dearest thing in the world to him. He smiled widely and shook his head. "I love my ring. No matter what, this little thing will _always_ be my engagement ring," he pulled his hand away and tapped my nose gently. "You made it, and even if it's just a pipe cleaner, it's special to me. Like you."

I laughed softly at how adorable he was. How adorable _my fiancé _was. "I still want to get you a real ring. Maybe we could both have one? Like, promise rings kinda?"

Chris' eyes got impossibly brighter and I could immediately tell he loved the idea. "I love it," he whispered. "I love you."

I leaned up a little bit and caught his lips with my own, kissing him gently for a moment. After a while he pulled away and sighed gently. "You realize we have to go to set tomorrow, don't you?"

_Shit._ I'd completely forgotten. I sighed softly and brought my hand up play softly with his brunette hair. "Yeah… Uh, how do you want to handle that?"

He shrugged softly and let his head drop into the crook of my neck. "I don't know. Can we just make sure to stick together tomorrow?"

I nodded softly and wrapped my arms around his back. "Yeah, we probably should." He smiled up at me after a second and then yawned softly, causing me to yawn as well.

"Can we go to sleep now?" he asked. I could hear how tired he was, I laughed softly and nodded a bit. He rolled off of me so he was lying next to me and I wrapped my arms around him.

"Night, baby," I whispered softly. He cuddled back into my chest and turned his head to kiss my lips softly.

"Night, love you."

"I love you too."

-0-

The next morning went by too quickly. Before we knew it we were in the car, heading to set. I kept trying to strike up a conversation with Chris, about anything really, but he was quiet. He'd answer me with a simple yes or no, or he'd just nod a bit. I knew he wasn't much of a morning person, but this was more than normal.

"Are you okay?" I finally asked him after a few minutes of driving in, what was to me, a very uncomfortable silence. He looked over at me from the passenger seat and sighed softly.

"Do you think they'll be mad?"

"Who?"

"Our friends… Do you think they'll be mad at us? I mean, Lea was _really _excited about Matthew and my wedding. She even helped him plan some of it. Then there's Dianna, she practically begged me to be in the wedding… And Ashley… I tell her everything, and I kept this from her. And –"

"Honey, listen," I cut him off; I knew if I didn't he'd go on for the rest of the ride and I was positive that wouldn't help the situation. "It isn't going to be easy owning up to everyone, but come on, nothing about this is going to be easy. We both know that. But we can't just avoid this forever." He nodded a little but I could tell he wasn't completely convinced. I reached over and took his hand, giving him a small smile before turning my eyes back on the road.

"Do you think we should tell them about us being engaged?"

I thought a moment about this. Chris was _just_ engaged to someone else not two days ago. I wasn't sure how well everyone would take it if we came out and told them we were engaged as well "Maybe we should just tell them that we're together. We don't have to be specific about anything… But I think telling them that we're engaged on top of everything else may be a little much for them."

Chris sighed and nodded a little. "I just don't want people to think I'm some kind of slut. Cheating on my fiancé for over a year and not telling him… God, maybe I am–"

"Christopher Paul Colfer, don't you ever dare say something like that again. You are the _farthest_ thing in the world from a slut. You are the most perfect, loving, kind-hearted person I've ever met in my life, and I for one cannot wait for you to be my husband." Chris smiled over at me, for real this time. He mouthed a 'thank you' to me and gave my hand a small squeeze.

We drove the rest of the way to set in silence. Neither of us ready to let go of the other's hand.

-0-

"I'm nervous about this," Chris muttered as we started to walk inside. Everyone else seemed to be there so we were the last arrivals. Chris had a near-death grip on my hand, which usually didn't bother me but _holy hell, ouch. _

"I know you are. I am too," I admitted, trying to pry my hand from his enough so that I wasn't in so much pain. It was no use. "We'll be okay, I promise," I reassured him.

"Just don't let go of my hand," he muttered.

"Couldn't if I tried, baby," I said as we walked onto set. The second, and I mean _the freaking second _we arrived we were ambushed by what felt like a million people asking us questions. Sure, it was only a few of our friends and a few crew members, but still. It felt like a million people, especially to Chris whose death-grip on my hand increased by the second.

I opened my mouth to tell them to calm down and that we'd explain everything later, but before I could Ryan came up to us. "Come on, guys, leave Chris and Darren alone. This isn't a place to ask them any questions; we have a show to film."

Reluctantly, everyone walked away. I heard mutters of, _I can't believe it, _and_ they could have at least told us_ among a few other things. I turned to Ryan and smiled nervously at him.

"Thank you for… that," I said.

Ryan gave us a little shrug. "We'll talk about it later," is all he said before walking off in the opposite direction.

I turned to Chris, who was looking down at his feet. I could tell he felt ashamed; I never had to ask him. I could see it in his expression. "Come here," I whispered, finally pulling my hand free from his long enough to wrap my arms around him and pressing a soft kiss to his forehead. "Everything's going to be okay, I promise. I've said it once and I'll say it again, in a while no one's going to remember this. I promise, we just need to get through this together now, okay?"

He sighed a little and nodded. "I hope you're right."

-0-

Somehow it was lunch and we'd managed to ignore everyone's questions. Chris was only in two scenes, so I have _no_ idea how he found a way to avoid being ambushed, especially considering both scenes he had were with Lea. I, on the other hand, was in a majority of the scenes. We were so busy filming that _luckily_ no one asked me anything.

Now we were in Chris' trailer, curled up on his couch eating our lunch. Well, not really eating, more like feeding it to each other. Still, same idea. Chris was leaned up against my chest and I was feeding him the chocolate covered strawberries we'd packed for lunch. Sort of.

"Daare," he whined as I pulled it away from his lips yet again. "I'm hungry, give me the damn strawberry.

"Fiiine," I sighed dramatically and put it closer to his lips again. He started to lean forward to bite into it but I pulled it back again.

"You're such an asshole," he muttered, rolling his eyes and looking back at me.

I pressed a kiss to his head and smiled. "You love me."

"Unluckily," he grumbled, turning his head back to face me and pouting at me. I smiled and leaned forward, kissing his pout away.

We only got to kiss for a few moments before the door swung open. It was Naya, Heather and Lea walking into his trailer.

"Wow, look at the lovebirds," Naya said. I could tell she was pissed, understandably so. We had sort of lied to their faces for that last year.

"Haven't you ever hear about a thing called _fucking knocking?" _Chris asked as he pulled away from me.

Naya rolled her eyes at him and crossed her arms across her chest. "Whatever, you two need to come clean."

Chris sighed and leaned back into my chest a tiny bit before pulling completely away from me. I instantly missed the feeling of him leaning against my chest and the warmth he provided.

"Fine, what do you want to know?" I asked them, moving so my legs were hanging off the couch.

"The truth would be nice," Naya said automatically. I looked over to Chris; he was looking down into his lap. He couldn't look any of them in the eye; he couldn't even look me in the eye. I reached over and took his hand, giving it a soft squeeze.

"Well… we're together, but I'm sure you guessed that," I answered.

"What about Matthew?" Lea asked, looking straight at Chris.

"Or Mia," Heather interjected.

I opened my mouth to say something, _anything_, to make it sound like we weren't that bad of people, but Chris cut me off. "We cheated on them."

The girls were speechless. I felt Chris' hand tighten on mine, tighter and tighter as the silence progressed. I don't think anyone knew what to say, even Naya.

We were all in silence for a while before Lea broke it. "I thought you loved him."

Chris still wasn't able to look her in the eyes. "Shit happens," he whispered. I looked over at him. I could tell this was harder on him than it was on me, I thought it'd be the other way around. Chris was always so strong, never letting anything really faze him, but this… I could tell was eating him up inside. Not that he'd ever admit it, even to me, he hated when people were angry with him.

"Can you leave us alone?" I asked them after a moment. They were all silent for a moment, Heather and Naya sharing a knowing look before sighing softly.

"Fine," Naya finally answered. Lea and Naya walked out together, but Heather stayed back for a moment.

"Just so you guys know, no one's judging you… We just wished you would have told us. I mean… I know what it's like to be with someone and not be able to share it with everyone else," she sighed gently and looked out at the door at Naya, who was walking away with Lea back to the studio. "Good luck with everything," she finished off with a gentle smile before walking outside Chris' trailer and shutting the door behind her.

Chris and I were both silent for a few seconds. It was our first real confrontation with anyone and I knew it had bothered Chris. "You okay?" I asked him after a while. He shrugged a little and continued to look down into his lap. "Id there anything I can do?"

"Just hold me," he whispered. I moved closer to him and wrapped my arms around him, pressing a soft kiss to his forehead.

"I love you, Chris," I whispered simply. I didn't know exactly how else to comfort him at this point.

"I love you too, honey," he whispered back, smiling softly up at me. We sat there for a few minutes, just holding onto each other. Neither of us wanted to let go of the other, especially when I realized we had to be back on set in a few minutes.

"We have to go back out there in a few minutes," I whispered softly to Chris.

Chris groaned softly and leaned back into my arms. "I don't wanna," Chris mumbled. I squeezed his hand softly.

"It'll be fine, all my scenes are filmed for today, I promise I won't leave your side."

"Promise?"

"Promise," I said before standing up and offering him my hand. He took it and I pulled him up. Once he stood, he leaned in and pressed a kiss to my lips.

"Thanks for putting up with me, Dare. I know I'm being a baby about this –"

I rolled my eyes and pressed another kiss to his lips. "You are not. Don't even say that, you'd do the same for me."

He smiled softly and took my hand. "Let's go get this over with."

-0-

After a _way_ too long day of filming and recording it was finally time to go home. Chris and I were walking out of wardrobe, which took forever because they had Kurt wearing, as Chris said, the tightest pair of jeans he'd ever worn. We'd planned on going home, watching a movie, ordering take out and crashing for the night.

"I'm so tired," Chris said as we walked, swinging our hands a little in between us as we walked.

"Me too," I replied, yawning softly. "You're driving home, I'm too lazy."

Chris rolled his eyes. "Fine, but you have to stay awake on the ride home."

"Deal."

He smiled over at me as we continued to walk. We were half way to the door leading to the parking lot when we heard Ryan's voice behind us.

"I need to talk to you," he said. We turned around to face him. I saw all the color in Chris' face drain, causing him to turn paler than he already was. Without another word, Ryan started back to his office, motioning for us to follow him.

I could tell Chris was nervous, _I _was nervous. I took a deep breath before we started to walk on towards Ryan's office. "I'm scared," Chris whispered into my ear. Ryan wasn't usually that intimidating but when he gave you _the look_ then, yeah, he was fucking terrifying.

"Me too," I admitted.

We followed Ryan back into his office, both of us taking a seat in front of his desk. He sat down behind it and gave us that same look. This time it was my turn to squeeze Chris' hand, but he was squeezing right back.

"Do you two have _any _idea what this could do to Glee?" he started off. "You two know better than anyone that there is definitely such a thing as bad publicity and this, this _thing,_ definitely takes the cake," his voice was so harsh and cold. It was scary. Ryan went on to continue yelling at us, but I sort of zoned out.

I looked over to Chris out of the corner of my eye; he was looking down into his lap, not making eye contact with me or Ryan. If I didn't know better I'd let go of Chris' hand, but only long enough to reach across the desk and swing at Ryan for yelling at Chris. Yell at me all you want, it doesn't bother me, but Chris… that's another story. Even though he hasn't admitted it, he _hates_ being yelled at, that's why whenever we fight I try my best not to yell. I gave Chris' hand a soft squeeze and started to gently rub little circles into his knuckles. _Dear lord, how much longer can this man yell? _

I snapped out of my daze after a moment, only to see that Ryan was glaring right at me. _Shit. _

"So? Do you have anything to say?" he asked me.

I sighed softly and gave Chris' hand another soft squeeze "Yeah, I do. I don't regret being with, or falling in love with, Chris. I love Chris more than literally anything in the world, and yeah, the way we fell in love wasn't ideal, but it happened. Speaking for both me and Chris, we definitely regret cheating on Mia and Matthew… but I will _never _apologize to you, or anyone else, for loving him."

Ryan sighed and looked over to Chris. "Why did you even say yes to Matthew?"

Chris was quiet for a moment before looking up at Ryan. "I was stupid enough to let Darren go and choose someone else. It was the biggest mistake I've ever made." Chris looked over at me and gave me a soft smile. My heart swelled a little. _God, _I loved him so much.

"Fine, I just hope you two know what you're going to do about this."

Chris and I looked at each other for a moment. We were at that point in our relationship that we could have a whole conversation by just looking at each other.

"We aren't sure exactly what we want to do—"

"—But whatever it is, we don't want to lie anymore," I finished off his sentence.

"I'm not happy with you two, but I'm sure you know that," Ryan passed a moment and sighed. "However, I hope things work out for the two of you."

Ryan dismissed us afterwards and we walked outside his office. Chris sighed softly and took my hand again. "That went…" he trailed off and sighed gently.

"C'mere," is said, wrapping my arms around him and pressing a kiss to his cheek. "Let's go home, sweetie."

-0-

One of my favorite things about Chris was that he was _so damn warm. _If I was could I could curl up with him and instantly be warmer. I was drawing small, little circles into his knee as he typed at his laptop, my head resting against his thigh. I loved times like this, when we could just lie together and be close to one another, even if we weren't talking.

"Hey, Baby?" I asked after a second. Chris looked over his laptop and smiled at me.

"Yeah?"

"Do you want to talk about today?" I asked him. He sighed softly and shut his laptop, putting it down on the bed next to us. He patted his lap a little and I scooted up so that I was sitting half on his lap, half on the bed. He wrapped his arms around my waist, pressing a gentle kiss to my forehead.

"It was a very long day and I'm glad it's over and that I can just be here with you," he said with a smile. I smiled back and put my head down on his shoulder. He started to rub gently at my sides, kissing at my curls once again. "Do you think it'll ever get easier? I mean… God, of course it will. Just… _when?"_

"I don't know," I answered honestly. I sighed softly and pressed a gentle kiss to Chris' neck. "I really don't… But it will."

He sighed a little and leaned down, pressing a kiss to my curls again. "You're right. Now come on, let's go ahead and order dinner and put in a movie."

I sat up and smiled at him. "Or, we could do other things."

He smirked a little. "Hmm… really? Like what?"

"This," I whispered, leaning in and pressing a kiss to his lips. He laughed a little into the kiss, pulling me closer as I straddled his lap. We kissed softly for a moment before we deepened the kiss, our tongues battling against each other for dominance. I moaned into his mouth, his hips starting to roll up against my own. I moved my hands down to start to unbutton his pants as he started to pull of my shirt, but before we got anywhere his phone rang.

"'gnore it," I muttered into his mouth.

"M'kay," he whispered, starting to pull off my shirt. We continued to kiss passionately for a moment, eventually both of our shirts off and onto the floor when his phone rang again.

"It won't take me long," he said as he pulled away. I sighed and leaned back with a pout on my face.

"Fine. Who is it?" I asked as he picked up his phone.

Chris' face went immediately from happy to distraught in a matter of seconds. "My parents."


	8. Chapter 8

**Okay, holy fucking shit I am ****_so_**** sorry for the delay. I have had HORRIBLE********writers block. Like, it was painful it was so bad. I really, really hope that I never go this long without posting again. Thank you for the support and as always, thank you for reading. There's only nine weeks left in school (yay) but we also have a bunch of nasty testing coming up soon. Hopefully I'll be able to update soon. You have ****_NO_**** idea how bad I feel about not updating. **

**In other news: I may have a new fanfic up in a while. It's Crisscolfer and semi-based off of QAF, the UK version because when I started writing it I hadn't seen any of the US episodes... Just lettin' you know. **

**As always, enjoy :) **

* * *

I stared at my phone with wide eyes. I saw the name, I saw the number, and both of these things registered the fact that they were actually calling me. I knew that this was bound to happen eventually, but that didn't mean I wanted it to happen. Darren moved so he was closer to me, wrapping his arms around my waist. I leaned into his side a little and continued to stare at my phone. I couldn't bring myself to answer the phone.

"Are you gonna answer?" Darren asked softly, rubbing gently at my sides. I took a deep breath and bit gently at my bottom lip before answering.

"I-I… I should. I-I guess so," I whispered. I didn't want to answer though; I wanted to pretend they never called and ignore the fact that eventually I'd have to talk about this with them.

"You can do it." Darren hooked his chin atop of my shoulder and pressed a kiss to my cheek, giving me the final shove in the direction of answering the phone.

"H-hello?" I said shakily. I bit down on my a bit harder, a thing I'd been doing a lot in the last few weeks. I do it when I'm nervous or uncomfortable; and this definitely took the cake.

The other side of the line was quiet for a moment. I was almost expecting for my mom or dad not to say anything and just hang up, not that that's something they would do. It was just… silent, all I could hear was breathing.

"Hi, Chris."

I let out a soft sigh and leaned further into my fiancé's arms. He tightened his grip on me and pulled my closer to his chest. "Hannah… Hi," I said in a near whisper. "I wasn't expecting you to call…"

She was quiet for another moment, which bothered me; my sister was rarely quiet, not when talking to me at least. "Yeah, well… I haven't heard from you for a while, and I saw the people's choice awards and…" her voice trailed off.

"Yeah, that," I muttered. I wasn't sure how to explain this to her; how the hell are you supposed to explain something like… _this_ to your little sister? I'm not sure there's a correct way at all.

"You wanna tell me what's going on?"

"Hannah, it's a long story–"

"I'm your sister, Chris! You could at least tell me what the hell is going on! You've kept this from all of us for who knows how long, mom and dad don't even know how to talk to you right now! You could at least tell _me!_ I'm not seven anymore, you should be able to talk to me about this… whatever the hell _this_ is!"

You could say my mouth actually dropped open. I'd never heard her talk like that, or be that mad at me before. Sure, when we were little I'd do things to piss her off, like hide her dolls and normal big brother type things, but that was because I was a twelve year old boy. Now things were different, we weren't twelve and six anymore.

"You're right," I whispered, leaning back so I was resting against Darren's chest. "Fine, what do you want me to say? You saw the people choice award, you heard what I said, you saw me run off stage, and I'm sure you've seen all the tabloids and news stories since then. What else do you want me to tell you?"

"Well… Do you really love him?" she asked immediately. I wasn't expecting a question so soon, but at least this one was easy and required absolutely no thought process. Out of everything in my life, out of all the shit that we'd been through in the last few days; hell, the past few _months, _this was the one thing I'd always be sure of. I'd never, ever to have second guess this or think twice about it. I just knew.

I looked up at Darren from where I rested against his chest and up into his hazel eyes. It was the first time I'd noticed that he'd been staring down at me throughout the entire conversation. I let my hand move to gently caress at his chest before answering her. "Yeah, I do… more than anything in the world."

Darren must have caught on to what she had asked me because he smiled widely and pressed a kiss to my hair before whispering a gentle: "I love you too."

"Wow… So things with you two are like, uh, serious?"

"Yeah, you could say that," I answered with a soft chuckle, looking down to the blue, make-shift ring wrapped around my finger. As much as he tried to convince me that it was lame and that he regretted even making it for me, I reassured him that I loved it, because I did.

"How long have you two been… whatever…"

"About a year," I answered her semi-question. I felt like I was retelling the same story to everyone over and over again. In a way I wanted to just stand somewhere where everyone could hear me and scream all the answers to everyone's questions. It'd be easier that way, just not as formal. Not that anything about this was formal in the first place.

"That's a long time. Why didn't you tell anyone and… why were you still with Matthew?"

I groaned and rubbed my forehead. "Hannah, it's a really long story. Can't I just say sorry that I lied to you and mom and dad for now and be done with this conversation? I feel like I've been telling the same story over and over and over the last few days and today has been super long. I really, _really_ just want to go to sleep."

We were both quiet for a while. I'd hoped that I hadn't snapped at her too harshly, she was my little sister after all. "Fine… I guess I'll talk to you whenever."

I let out a sigh of relief, she didn't seem too mad at me. "Alright. I love you, okay? Tell mom and dad I love them too."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah… Love you too," she said before hanging up. I sighed softly once I heard the phone click and threw it to the other side of the bed.

I sighed loudly, probably a little dramatically long, when I saw it flop against the foot of the bed. Hannah had always been easy for me to talk to, she was my little sister after all, but the whole conversation had seemed strained. I understand why, obviously, but that didn't make it any easier for me. I closed my eyes and thought back to her mention of my parents; were they so mad at me that they didn't even want to talk to me? I couldn't even think to a moment in my life were I'd disappointed them to the point that they didn't want to converse with me. It hurt, honestly. I'd always been extremely close to them. After all they'd done for me during all the bullying I went through, taking me to countless auditions, supporting all my crazy dreams, being there for me with I first came out to them… everything. I knew that over the course of time that Matthew and I had been together that the three had grown to be pretty close; there were probably too angry at me for cheating on him and for lying to them for so long. I couldn't blame them if they were too angry to talk to me. If I were them I wouldn't want to talk to me.

"Is everything okay?" Darren's voice snapped me out of my daze. I looked up to him from where I rested against his chest and gave him a half smile.

"I think. I don't know, Dare. Everything's just so stressful. I could tell that Hannah was upset with me and my parents…" I let my voice trail off in the distance; I was sure Darren would understand what I was trying to say. He smiled at me and pulled me closer so he could kiss gently at my cheek. His lips lingered against my skin momentarily, his breath tickling my cheek softly. I shivered softly at the feeling; I didn't think I'd ever get used to things like this.

"I know, sweetie," he pulled his lips away from me and hooked his chin back on my shoulder, twisting his arms comfortably around my waist. His dark curls were sticking out messily from or previous make out session, which made me smile. His eye were so soft and loving; looking at him like this reminded me of why I fell in love with him, because I knew no matter what he'd still be here with me at the end of the day.

"I wish I could just say 'everything's going to be okay,' but I know that doesn't really help, does it?" he asked with a soft frown. I sighed softly and moved so that I could wrap my arms around his shoulders. It was an awkward position considering his arms were still around my waist, but neither of us cared.

"You just being here makes everything okay." Darren smiled at me and leaned forward to meet my lips in a kiss. I closed my eyes and let him pull me into the kiss even further, allowing all the troubles of the day disappear as we continued to kiss.

-0-

I hated the new filming schedule with a burning passion. Season three was better, mainly because Darren and I actually had scenes together. Even if we weren't' in a scene together we'd at least be in the same room together. Now with the break up and Kurt being in New York, we'd had no scenes together for what felt like forever.

Normally I'd love to film with Lea, but here lately things had been weird between us. I shook my head a little as I walked into the Kurt and Rachel's apartment set. Lea was already there, sitting on the couch and reading over the script. I knew I had to talk to her sometime, but last time I'd talked to her I'd been a little cold towards her. I shouldn't have been, none of this was her fault. She just wanted to know what was going on. I couldn't blame her. If I were in her shoes I'd want to know what the hell was going on as well.

I took a deep breath and walked over to her, sitting next to her and trying my best to smile at her. "Hey," I said gently to her. She looked up to me and gave me a really weird look that I honestly couldn't read. Sure, when it came to Darren I could read him like a book, other people… not so much. "Can we talk?" I asked the brunette, who was still living me a weird look.

"I guess. About what?" She finally responded. I opened my mouth to answer her, but apparently she wasn't done. "About how you've been lying to my face for God knows how long? About how you acted like a complete bitch to me when I tried to talk to you about this? Oh! _Or _we could talk about how you cheated on an _amazing_ guy for months at a time, told him you'd marry him, then went and broke his heart? Yeah, all of those sound like fucking amazing topics, Chris."

I was slightly surprised by Lea's outburst but in a way I wasn't. I knew that I'd have it coming from her eventually. "Lea, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for lying to you, I'm sorry for being a bitch to you, and I'm definitely sorry for what I did to Matthew but–"

"Are you, Chris? Because I really, really don't think you are. You're so on cloud-nine with Darren that I don't think you have any fucking idea how much you hurt anyone."

"Of course I'm sorry, Lea! You have no idea the shit I've been through in the past few weeks. This whole things sucks and I know that. I have been on cloud-nine in no way, shape or form," I countered, trying my best not to snap at her. Even now a few people setting up were starting to stare at us funny. I didn't want to get mad at her, but who was she to tell me what was going on in _my _life?

Lea rolled her eyes and pulled at Rachel's shirt before adjusting herself so she was sitting in a more Rachel-like way.

"Come on, Lea, you can't stay mad at me forever," I tried, reaching out and trying to take her hand but she jerked it away from me.

"You know, you could have at least told _me,_ Chris," she snapped.

"I wanted to, Lea… Really, I did. I just couldn't. Darren and I never thought that this would go as far as it did, but things just… escalated into what it is now," I said with a soft sigh.

"What is it now?" She asked, looking to the side and away from me.

"I love him more than I've ever loved anyone in my entire life," I admitted to her. She still looked away from me, so I scooted a little closer to her. "Come on, Lea. Don't be mad at me… you're one of my best friends. I hate when you're mad at me."

"How am I not supposed to be mad at you?" She fired back. It was then when I finally realized what was in her eyes, what that funny look was: hurt. "How am I not supposed to be upset about all of this, Chris? I thought I was your friend. I thought you were my friend! You used to tell me like… fucking everything. You could have told me about this. I wouldn't have been mad–"

"You wouldn't? You're telling me that if I told you that I'd been dating Darren behind Matthew's, _your,_ back that you wouldn't have been even a little bit mad at me?" I asked, but we both knew it was a rhetorical question. Lea sank out of her Rachel's stance and slumped against the couch.

"Yeah, I would have. But I would have been a lot less mad once I knew all of the details, or at least knowing that you trusted me," she whispered down into her lap.

"Do you want to know the details?"

"Yeah, I do."

"What would you like to know?" I asked her, sitting back against the couch and crossing my legs underneath me.

She sighed, still not looking at me but giving me a soft shrug. "I don't know. I know you said you love him… so he's not just, some fling you had to get out of the way before you settled down with Matthew… or anyone for that matter?"

"Uh… no, he's not. He's so much more," I blushed and looked down at the, in my opinion, very ugly couch. "He's my soul mate. I know I already said this, but I really do love him more than I've ever loved anyone in my life. He's… he's the best thing that's ever happened to me." I could feel myself starting to glaze over at the thought of Darren. I smiled and sucked my lip into my mouth for a moment. All I could think about was Darren: his smile, his laughter, the silly little things he does to get me to wake up in the morning, the way he tickles me to the point that I can't even breath… the way I love him and the way I know he loves me. "But do you want to know something that no one else knows?"

"What?" she asked, finally looking in my direction. I could tell by the way she was looking at me that she believed that I was really in love with Darren, that I was definitely very much in love with him.

I pulled out the blue ring from Kurt's obnoxiously tight pants pocket and presented it to Lea. She looked at the pipe cleaner like it was a foreign object and then up to me with a questioning look on her face. "What's that?"

"My engagement ring," I told her in a whisper with a wide smile on my face, unable to put the memory of Darren proposing to me out of my mind.

"That's a pipe cleaner wrapped into a circle…"

"And that's my engagement ring, for now at least. Darren didn't have an actual ring to give to me and he couldn't really go out and get one because at the time things were still so hectic, more so than they still are now. So, he got this blue pipe cleaner and twisted it into a circle for me to wear as my engagement ring until we could get actual rings for each other."

"Wait so you and Darren are–"

"Engaged," I cut her off, still whispering. I looked around to see if anyone had seemed to have overheard my confession, but they all seemed to be too wrapped up in setting up for our scene to pay attention to us. "Yes, we're engaged, but we aren't telling anyone because everything's still so chaotic. But, I told you, and you can't tell anyone, promise?"

Lea smiled at me, I could tell that she was happy that she was at least in the loop again. "Promise."

"Now can I have a hug?" I asked with a pout and puppy dog eyes, which were not nearly as amazing as my fiancé's, but eh, I try.

"Yes, you can," she said before wrapping her small arms around me.

"Thank you for understanding," I said and heaved a sigh. "I wish everyone did…"

Lea sat back after a moment and shrugged a little. "I don't understand, not really, but I'm still your friend, Chris. I'm not going to turn my back on you."

"You guys ready to start filming?" We heard someone shout from the side. It seemed that everything had been set up and that now they were just waiting for us.

"Yeah!" Lea called, clearing her throat and sitting up straighter.

I shoved the ring back into my pocket carefully before taking a deep breath and trying to get into character. Even if Lea didn't understand, she was there for me. I guessed that that was all I could ask for.

-0-

I groaned as I walked into my house. I was _exhausted. _I'd been filming all day, had to go to dance rehearsals, record some songs for the next episode, and on top of all that I still felt like I was being interrogated by anyone who walked by me. I just wanted to sleep. Strike that, I wanted to eat something incredibly greasy and unhealthy that I'd regret next time I worked out, cuddle with my fiancé, and then sleep.

I walked through the door and dropped my keys onto the table. I was so glad that Darren and I had decided to come back to my place instead of his for the night. I liked Darren's place, but in all honesty… I missed Brian.

"Hey, Baby," I said, pressing a kiss to his forehead before I sat down next to him, my legs draping down across his lap as I plopped against the couch.

"Hello there, love," he mimicked at British accent, causing me to chuckle and hit my with a throw pillow before putting it under my head as I lay down.

"You have a horrible English accent."

"I do not!" He pouted adorable, sticking his bottom lip out and making a little _hmph_ sound. We both laughed and he reached over to take my hand in his. "Long day?"

"Too long," I groaned. "You have no idea how tired I am."

"Mmm… anything I can do to make you feel better?" he asked seductively. He leaned in closer to my body, ready to do anything and everything I asked him to do.

I sat up to where my lips were only mere inches away from my own. "Well," I whispered, hot breath hitting his lips as I leaned in closer and closer to the point that our lips were just barely grazing against each other's. "There is one thing you could do…"

"What's that, gorgeous?" he asked, starting to press his lips to my own.

"I want you to…" I paused for a moment before pushing him away from me playfully. "Go to KFC and get me the biggest bucket of chicken they have."

Darren groaned and fell back against the couch in defeat. "That was mean!" he said and sat up a little to look at me, his pout making yet another appearance.

I reached behind me and grabbed a blanket, pulling it onto me and smiling at him. "Pleeeeeaaaasssssee?" I said in a sing-song voice.

Darren sighed dramatically and stood up, pulling the blanket over me and leaning down to drop a kiss to my cheek. "You better be glad I love you."

"I am," I said with a smile, leaning over to press a kiss to his lips. We kissed for a few moments before I pulled away. "Hmm, now go get me my chicken."

Darren stuck his tongue out at me and stood up. "Yes, Dear," he responded sarcastically.

"Love you!" I called as I watched him slip on his shoes and grab his keys.

"Love you too, Cee," he said with a smile before turning to walk out the door.

I sighed happily as he walked out of the door; _fuck, _I loved my fiancé.

-0-

You know that time right before you're about to doze off into an extremely well-deserved nap; when you're _just_ about to fall asleep and everything is starting to get really peaceful and silent, when you're so content and blissed out that nothing is going to bother you? Yeah, I was there. I was curled up on my couch; the blanket still wrapped snuggly around my shoulders, one throw pillow beneath my head and one I had cuddled into my chest. Fuck, I was so comfortable… until the doorbell buzzed.

I groaned loudly and started to sit up. I thought about just ignoring whoever it was, but then I thought that maybe Darren's hands were too full to get his keys out of his pocket. I sighed and walked over to the door; I guess I couldn't be too mad at him if he was bringing me fried chicken.

I didn't bother to look out the peephole in my door, I just opened it and assumed to see Darren standing at the door, holding boxes and buckets of greasy food that would make me say _ick_ in a few hours but to my dismay, it wasn't Darren. My mouth may have dropped open a little bit on sight of who it really was, though.

"M-Matthew…" I said the name of my ex in a whisper. "Wh-what are you doing here?" I stuttered out in confusion.

"I-I…" he whispered and shook his head. "I needed to see you. I needed to talk to you. I needed… Chris…" I could tell that there was something wrong right off the bat, and also that Matthew had been crying.

_Fuck, is he crying about me?_

"Come in," I said, opening the door for him and ushering him inside. "What's going on?" I asked him, unsure exactly what to say or do. Was a hug too much? Because he really looked like he could use a hug.

"I-I… I know I shouldn't have come here. I know we broke up but… but you're still the only person I can talk to about most things. I-I… you know me better than anyone and I didn't know who else to talk to…" he stuttered on. He seemed as if he were borderline hysterical.

"Shh, sweetie, it's okay. Do you want to sit down? Or something to drink?" I asked him, walking to the couch and sitting down. Matthew shook his head but sat down on the couch next to me. I assumed his shake of the head was talking about the drink so I just sat still and waited for him to tell me what was going on and why he was here.

"I-It's my granddad," he whispered. Immediately, I clenched my hands into fists. I knew that Matthew had always had troubles with his family, stemming from when he came out to them. "H-He… he died and-and they don't even want me to come to his _fucking_ _funeral. _They-they don't even want me there…"

I felt a sick, disgusted feeling in the pit of my stomach. Who the _fucking hell_ does that to a family member? No matter whom you are or what you are, who denies someone that? "Oh, god… Sweetie," I whispered, wrapping my arms comfortingly around him. I felt horrible for him. "I am so… _so_ sorry."

"H-he was the only one who even accepted me for being gay," Matthew whispered into the crook of my neck. He moved out of my embrace a little to look me in the eye. "God, I-I feel so alone now. Everything… I lost him and-and everything with you and…"

A wave of guilt crashed over me like a tsunami. I felt like shit. No, worse than shit. I felt… _horrible._ "Matt, I am so sorry. I-I can't apologize enough for what I did to you, and for you granddad dying and for what your _fucking_ stupid, asshole of a family is doing to you," I sighed and did the only thing I could think to do: rub gently at his back the way I remembered he liked when he was upset. "Is there anything else I can do for you?"

Matthew paused a second and nodded before leaning forward and crashing his lips into mine. He started kissing me frantically and desperately, wrapping his arms around my body and pulling me closer and closer into him.

And the worst part is… I let him.


	9. Chapter 9

**AN: Woah. Two updates in two days. That'll never happen again. Yeah, I spent all day writing this. I'd have probably been finished sooner but my cat decided that my laptop would be a good place to sleep on. Yeah. As always, enjoy. Don't kill me for the angst. It's bad. Just say say.**

**Oh, and if anyone wanted to make a cover art for this... I'd love you 5ever. If you do happen to make one you can send me it on Twitter ( Crisscolfuurs) or tumblr (Crisscolfuurs .tumblr. com) Again, just say say. **

**Enjoy. **

* * *

I felt sick; absolutely and positively sick. The second Matthew left I rushed to the bathroom and threw up until my stomach was empty. Then I sobbed. I sobbed and I sobbed until I couldn't breathe anymore. Then I just silently cried until I couldn't produce a single more tear. After that I just sat in my bathroom, leaning against the bathroom sink with my knees pressed against my chest. My whole entire body felt sore and… empty. I knew Darren would be back at any moment, so I had to pull myself together, but how was I supposed to after what had went down out there? Was I supposed to ignore it and pretend it never happened? Or should I tell him what had happened between Matthew and I?

What _had_ happened between Matthew and I was the question even to myself. Everything happened so fast that I'm still not even self-aware of what had transpired between me and my ex-boyfriend – my ex-fiancé I should say – all I knew was that I felt sick. I felt so sick and disgusted with myself that I wanted to disappear.

I stood up on shaky legs and walked out to the living room. I sat down on my couch, accidently sitting down on Brian's tail as I did. He let out an angry meow and hopped down from the couch and stalked off into the kitchen. I pulled the same blanket over my body and buried myself into it. I was hoping that maybe, _somehow_, I could disappear into it.

I wished I could turn time back. Back to when Matthew had come over, back to the PCA's, back to when I broke up with Darren, back to when Darren and I had started this; I wanted to do things right this time. I wanted things to be different. I didn't want to feel like this bad person I felt like now. I wanted to feel better; I wanted to feel like _me _again_._ I was tired of feeling so shitty all the time.

"Honey, I'm home!" I heard Darren call as he walked inside. I jumped as I heard his voice, more guilt and sickness washed over my body. "I've always wanted to say that." Darren chuckled as he walked into the living room, juggling what was probably the most food I'd ever seen in my life. I couldn't believe that KFC's biggest bucket of chicken was really _that _big. Along with the chicken and side orders he had a giant pack of diet coke, a dozen donuts from Dunkin Donuts and a Martin's bag that appeared to have my favorite flavor of ice cream in it. I bit down on my sore lip; he was too good to me. He always had been and he always would be… That's how I felt. "You wanna help me out here?"

"Hm? Oh, y-yeah. Sorry, I zoned out," I muttered, standing up and taking the Diet Coke and box of donuts from him. "You didn't have to get all this. I just wanted the chicken…"

"Well, I noticed that you were low on diet coke and ice cream, and I was craving donuts. Plus, I wanted to. You looked so tired and kinda sad when you came home earlier; I thought some amazing food and a movie marathon might cheer you up." Darren smiled widely and pointed over to my movie shelf to the side of the room. "You want to help me put this in the kitchen and then pick a movie? Your choice, my dear, tonight is your night. Not that it's anything special, but eh, I tried."

You always try, and you always succeed. You always make me feel better…

I nodded a little and walked into the kitchen without another word. I didn't know what else to say to him. I felt as if no matter what I said to him it'd be the wrong thing or I'd spit out what had happened between Matthew and I while he was gone. I knew I'd have to tell him eventually, but not now. Not when I was feeling so confused. I had to figure out exactly what had happened before I told Darren what went on.

"You okay, baby?" Darren asked, spooking me again as he walked in behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. "You seem more tired than you did when I left. Did you just want to eat and go to bed?" He hooked his chin on top of my shoulder and pressed a kiss to the soft spot behind my ear, causing me to shiver softly. "I'm not that tired but if you want I can go back and lie down with you so we can cuddle?"

"I-I'm not even that hungry anymore," I admitted, moving out of his arms and leaning against the counter. I wrapped my arms around my body and started to subconsciously rock back and forth on my feet. "I think I'm just going to go to bed. I-I'm sorry I made you go out and get all of that… I'll pay you back. You can either eat it or just-just throw it out. I'm going to bed." I started back to my bedroom but Darren caught my arm before I could make it out of the kitchen.

"Sweetie, you don't have to apologize, and hell, you should know you don't have to pay me back. Is there something you want to talk to me about? I didn't see you a lot at work today; did something bad happen?" He asked me with a concerned look on his face. I felt his fingers slip in between my own, causing my body to tense up and pull away from his hand. I didn't want him to touch me right now; I felt dirty and disgusting.

"N-no," I stuttered, something I couldn't help but to do at the moment. I hated that_ stupid _stutter I had. I hated how it got worse when I was uncomfortable and nervous. _Fuck, _I hated everything at that moment, especially myself. "I'm just – I'm really tired, Darren. I-I want to go to bed. Alone. C-can you just leave me alone, please? Maybe you should go back to your place…"

"Sweetheart, I know there's something going on," Darren said, reaching back down to entwine our fingers again. "Come on, we told each other a long time ago that we'd always be honest with one another. Please, just tell me what's going on, baby."

"No!" I snapped and ripped my hand away from his. "God, why can't you take a _fucking_ hint? I don't want you here! So just fucking leave, okay?!" I screamed before turning and walking back to my bedroom with tears falling fast down my face. I knew I was being harsh and that I had no right to yell at Darren the way I had, but it was the only way to get him to leave so that I could figure out what the hell was I was going to do about this.

-0-

I didn't sleep that night. Half of me was expecting Darren to come barging in after me and ask me what my problem was, but he never did. I stayed in my room, sobbing quietly into my pillow for most of the night. Somewhere around two I walked into the kitchen to get something to eat; it dawned on me that I really was very hungry and that I hadn't had anything to eat since lunch, which was around eleven. Sitting on the counter was a note from Darren. I picked it up and read it, trying my best to keep the tears from falling again.

_I don't know what's going on, Chris, but I know you. I know that you push people away when you're upset and hurt, but I'm your fiancé. You can't push me away, even if you try. Please, when you're ready to talk about this call me or something. I'm always going to be here for you, baby, no matter what. You aren't getting rid of me no matter what. Call me or come over if you want to talk. It doesn't matter how late or early it is. I'm here for you. I love you more than anything in the world, Cee. _

_-Love, Dare. _

I read over the note at least ten times before clutching it to my heart. _Shit, _why did he have to be so goddamn sweet all the fucking time? Why can't he just get mad and yell at me for once?

I walked over to the refrigerator and pulled out the fried chicken. I put a few pieces on a plate and got out the side order of mac and cheese Darren had ordered because let's face it, mac and cheese is delicious. Even when your heart is broken you can always eat mac and cheese. That shit is amazing.

I put my food in the microwave and sat up on the counter as I waited for it to heat up. I closed my eyes and leaned my head back against the counters where I kept all my cups and bowls, including the chipped coffee cup Darren had tried to make for me... He's talented, but not when it comes to crafty things. I still kept it though, and I used it. You just can't put anything too hot or cold in it or it kind of chips even more…

Anyways, I couldn't get the day out of my head. When in my life are things going to just calm down to the point that I'm not constantly worried about something in my apparently rather fucked up love life?

About a minute later I took out the food from the microwave and began to pick at it absentmindedly. I groaned when I realized that there was yet another day of filming tomorrow. Another day of weird looks, millions of questions and god knows what else. The thing was, I wouldn't have Darren by my side tomorrow, at least I shouldn't have him by my side.

I don't even remember eating all of my food, or drinking three diet cokes, but apparently I did. I sighed and walked back upstairs to try to go to sleep even though I knew that wasn't an option. I had too much caffeine in my system and too much on my mind to even consider sleep as a possibility. That, and the fact that it was the first night in a while that I wouldn't sleep next to Darren. I wouldn't be able to hear his soft snoring, I wouldn't be able to hear his weird breathing, I wouldn't be woken up in the middle of the night because he had pulled all the covers away from me and I wouldn't have his strong arms around me. I'd be alone.

I tossed and turned in bed for hour upon hour just thinking about the situation. I knew I had to do something about it, but _what _was the question. I desperately wanted to just forget about it and never have Darren know, but I knew that wasn't the right thing to do.

I sat up and groaned a little after a few hours of not sleeping, just lying in bed. I looked over to the little alarm clock Darren had gave me for my birthday (there were little llamas on it) and checked the time. It was five o'clock in the morning. I sank back into bed and looked up at the ceiling. I was considering going over to Darren's and coming clean, but I was scared. I was scared of losing him, scared of him getting the wrong idea, scared of being alone again and… _fuck, _was just terrified of everything. Mostly scared of losing him, I'd done that once and I really didn't want to go through it again.

I really didn't see the point in going over to Darren's so close to the time we'd be going to work anyways. I'd have to get up to get ready to leave in about an hour anyways so I could be out of the house by seven. Also, I didn't want to ruin Darren's day by putting this on his chest. I didn't know what was going on with anything; all I knew was that today was going to be a _very _long day.

-0-

I manage to somehow to ignore Darren for most of the day. For once, I was grateful for the filming schedule; I wasn't sure how I'd react to seeing him. It wasn't till around lunch when I realized I didn't have anything to busy myself with to keep me away from him. I could have gone to eat lunch with everyone else, but I really didn't want to have to answer their questions, so I decided to try hiding in my trailer. It was either that or my car and my car always tended to smell… funny. Hey, don't judge me. I don't like to clean, especially not my car.

I was alone for approximately ten minutes, managing to pull myself together long enough to get a little bit of writing done. It was then when Darren came inside with that annoying, adorable, obnoxious smile on his _fucking _gorgeous face. He plopped down next to me and curled his legs to the side of him. I wondered why he wasn't yelling or asking me why I was such an asshole.

"I missed you last night," he said as if the reason we weren't together last night was because I was busy, not because I kicked him out. "I was also really worried about you. So, do you want to tell me what happened? Or… Am I going to have to tickle it out of you?" He moved his hands to gently run across the ticklish part of my stomach.

I tried my best not to laugh, but _fuck, _I was annoyingly ticklish there, and he knew it. I pried his fingers off of me and moved them away from me. "I-I'm sorry. I just-just wasn't feeling good and wanted to be alone a while. I shouldn't have kicked you out. I'm really, really… really, _so _sorry, Dare… I shouldn't have and-and…" It was then I felt hot tears prickling at my eyes. I couldn't let them fall; _shit, _not here. I couldn't let him find out here. If I was going to tell him it would be at home, not in a semi-public place… Right?

"Sweetheart, it's fine. I forgive you. I was worried and missed you, that's all," he smiled again at me, so brightly it could've blinded someone if they weren't used to just how bright his smile was. Luckily and unluckily for me, I was. "Can we just promise each other that we won't ever kick each other out when we're living together or, well, married?"

I was quiet. If I had told him what had happened last night and we were at his place he would have kicked me out. I wouldn't have blamed him either. He reached over to me and took my hand, squeezing it slightly and pulling me closer to him. "Are you sure there isn't something wrong? You look pale. Like, really, really pale… More than normal. Even though I personally think how pale you are is adorable, even though if we were to have our honeymoon in the Bahamas we'd have to bring SPF-150, not that I'd mind. It'd be so worth it. Hey, and I'd be able to rub sunscreen all over your–"

"I was with Matthew," I blurted out in the midst of his rambling. I felt the pressure he had on my hand let loose and felt his warm touch leave me.

"Y-You… you were with… what do you mean you were with him?"

"He came over last night after you left to go get dinner. He-He was really upset about his granddad dying and his family not wanting him to go to his granddad's funeral. I felt really bad for him so I—"

"So you _slept with him?_" Darren shot at me. It wasn't exactly a yell, but it wasn't his normal voice; it was just full of pain.

"I-I… N-no, I-I didn't s-sleep with h-him," _fuck, my stupid stutter. I swear to god, one day I'm going to a fucking speech therapist. _"I just, he kissed me and I let him. Then he pushed me back on the couch and straddled me and we were making out. He-he started to unzip my pants and h-he—"

"_What?" _Now Darren was yelling. "What did he do, Chris? Did he blow you? Did he give you a fucking hand job? That still counts as sex!"

"No!" I yelled back, tears starting to trickle out of my eyes. "N-no, baby, I-I swear! He started to unzip my pants and h-he wanted to give me a blowjob and-and I don't know, he probably wanted more than that… but I stopped him! I swear to god, Dare. I stopped him."

Darren stood up and started to pace throughout my trailer. He was so mad, maybe hurt, he was shaking. "You promised!" He screamed, turning to face me. He pointed a shaky finger at me let out a gentle sob. "Y-You _promised_ me that you'd never do to me what you did to him! We promised that we were it for each other! G-God, I thought you loved me!"

"I do!" I half screamed, half cried. I stood up and walked over to him, trying to get him to calm down but the second I put my hand on his shoulder he jerked his whole body away from me.

"Don't touch me!" He screamed, so loudly that I was sure people three trailers down would hear. It made my whole entire jerk back; he'd never said _anything_ like that to me before… It worried me. God, I was so scared. I was about to lose him… again.

"I do love you, Darren! You have to believe me!" I sobbed out, wanting more than anything to reach out and launch myself into his arms.

"If you loved me then you wouldn't have cheated on me!"

"I cheated on _Matthew!_ He was feeling alone and upset and what the hell was I supposed to do? His granddad just died! Should I have pushed him away and said _No, I'm sorry, we can't do this! I'm engaged to the man I cheated on, and eventually left, you for_?"

Darren was speechless for a moment, but it didn't last long. I could see the tears falling out of his hazel eyes, but he kept attempting to blink and wipe them away. "You could have pushed him away and told him that you make out with him. You could have said no, but you didn't, Chris! You just went along with it!"

"Darren, baby, I-I'm so sorry! He was feeling so upset and lonely about his family stuff and…I-I feel so bad about what I did to him. I know it was wrong but… I didn't think about that at the time. Please, just… just forgive me… I promise I won't—"

"You've promised that before, how am I supposed to know that you won't do it again? You can't always let your fucking guilt get the best of you, Chris! If you're going to go around the rest of your life apologizing to everyone because of what wedid then I don't know how this – us – is going to work out!" Darren yelled. I expected for him to say something else, but he didn't. He opened my door and started to run, and didn't stop until I couldn't see him anymore.


	10. Chapter 10

**AN: Dear lord god in heaven and beyond I have been trying to upload this story for the last fucking thirty minutes. FF. net, fix yo shit. **

**Sorry, had to rant a little there. Anywho, here is the tenth and... dun dun dun... LAST chapter of WTRTS. Never fear, there'll be a sequel. Don't know what I'm gonna call it, but there will be a sequel. Thank you all for reading. All the favorites, follows and reviews have been so amazing. You're all amazing. **

**Again, thanks for reading and enjoy the last chapter of When The Rose Thorn Stings. **

**:) **

* * *

I ran and I ran and I ran until I couldn't run anymore. I ran so fast that my legs practically gave out, causing me to finally collapse. I honestly had no idea where I was or when I'd even left the studio. All I knew was that I wasn't anywhere in Los Angeles that I'd been before. I sunk against a brick wall, not caring when it scratched against my back and shoulders. I felt so empty inside. I couldn't believe that Chris had… That he had…

I couldn't even say it. I couldn't even bring myself to think about what Chris had done to me, to _us. _How he had potentially ruined everything we had…

My whole head was spinning with thoughts that I couldn't get rid of. This whole situation was so fucked up. Chris had cheated on me… with the guy he cheated on… with me while I was cheating on my girlfriend… with Chris. It seemed all so stupid when I thought about it like that. All I wanted to do was run away from everything; to go back to a place where it was just Chris and I, where everything wasn't so messed up. I didn't want to feel like this.

Is this how Mia felt when I told her about me and Chris? _Oh my god_, did I make someone feel this way? Did I make someone feel this deep, pain and sense of betrayal?

_I did, didn't I? Fuck. _

I buried my face in my knees and willed myself to start crying, but the tears didn't come. Nothing did except for the soft shaking and trembling of my body against the wall. It was mostly from shock though. How was I supposed to deal with this? I didn't know who I was supposed to go to. Normally when something goes wrong I go to Chris, but who do I go to when something goes wrong with Chris? This whole thing really showed me that Chris is so much more than just my fiancé, he's my friend. My _best_ friend.

I don't know how long I sat wherever I was. I heard my phone ring over and over but I didn't bother to pick it up. I knew it was either Chris calling to apologize, an apology which I really didn't want to hear, or Ryan calling to see where I was. I didn't think I had scenes the rest of the day though… I don't think. I didn't know anything. Everything was so blurry and confusing, I didn't know right from left much less what my schedule was for the rest of the day.

Eventually, I stood up and started to walk, and when I say eventually I have no idea how long it really was. It could have been hours, it could have been minutes. Hell, it could've been days for all I know. Like I said, everything was moving so blurrily. I have no idea how I managed to get from one place to another. I was like a robot; I felt like I was programmed to keep moving. It was like I was supposed to keep going, to get a cab, to tell him my address, to pay him… it was all a part of what I _had_ to do. But I wasn't the one doing it.

Sooner or later, I got home, but I didn't bother to look at the time. I did, however, pick up my guitar and start to strum random tunes on it. Usually, playing the guitar makes me feel better, happier even, though now, (especially when I realized I was using the guitar pick Chris had gave me) it just made everything that much worse.

I looked around my house. _Everything_ reminded me of him. The couch where we'd cuddled up together and watched at least a hundred or so movies; the stain on the carpet where he'd spilled his spaghetti when I scared him by wrapping my arms around him; all the pictures of us I had framed or had sitting on the coffee table; his hoodie was sitting on the chair by my bookshelf… He was everywhere_. _

I sat and thought about him – us – for the longest time. So many horrible, terrible, disgusting thoughts were going around in my head. I knew Chris had said he loved me, but does he still have feelings for Matthew? He was with him for longer than I'd even known Chris. He wouldn't have cheated on and eventually left Matthew if he didn't love me… Right?

_Right? _

But then again, if he really loved me he wouldn't have cheated on me either.

No. No, Chris loves me. Fuck, he has to. He wouldn't have said yes to me when I asked him to marry me if he didn't.

Like I had said, there were so many thoughts swirling around in my head that I couldn't even keep track of them. It was like the voices in my head were starting to fight each other.

I heard my phone ringing again. This time I pulled it out of my – well, Blaine's, I hadn't noticed I hadn't changed yet – jean's and checked the caller ID, not that I needed to. I knew it was Chris.

I considered letting it go to voicemail, but I didn't. He was my fiancé after all, I couldn't ignore him forever. I had to talk to him sometime. Guess sooner is better than later.

"Hello?" I answered. Chris was silent for a moment; I don't think he was expecting me to actually pic up.

"D-Dare, you picked up…" he whispered. I could hear how upset he was in his voice.

"Yeah," I said quietly. It was probably the first time in my life when I didn't know what to say to him. It was weird. I always – _always – _knew what to say to Chris, and then when I didn't I wasn't at all sure what I was supposed to do.

We were both painfully quiet for a long time. Other than the soft sniffles and the occasional chocked sob on the other end of the line neither of us made a sound. I could tell Chris had been crying for quite some time; this completely broke my heart. Why is it that even when you're angry beyond recognition at someone, when your heart is broken into a million pieces and it's them to blame, if you love them, seeing them in pain hurts you even more?

"Can I ask you something? He asked in a soft, muffled whisper. He sounded like his face was buried into a pillow or something.

"Yeah," I repeated, unaware of what else to say to him at this point.

"Am I still your fiancé?" the way he asked the question almost killed me. I'd never head Chris sound so vulnerable and broken in the length of time that I'd known him. It was like someone had just bitch-slapped my heart.

How was I even supposed to answer him? I mean, of course I _wanted_ him to be my fiancé, but that didn't mean I'd forgave him; it still hurt so much I could barely think straight. I wanted for forgive him, I really did, but _how so_ was the question.

"I think," I finally answered. I didn't know what else to say to him, _again._ Fuck, everything hurt so _fucking_ much. I wanted to just curl up and wait for it to stop, but I didn't see an opportunity for that to come up any soon. "I want you to be, I do, I just—"

"I know you're still mad at me a-and you have every right in the world to be and you… and you have every right not to want to marry me," Chris cut me off, I could tell there was more to what he wanted to say, he was just too hysterical to say it all. I gave him a few seconds to collect himself before he went on. "But, please don't leave me. I need you and I know you need me. I really, really love you, Dare. I love you and I-I don't think I could stand losing you again and knowing it was all my fault… Just because I made _stupid_ mistake by letting Matthew kiss me."

_Please don't leave me._ The four words I'd cried out to him all those weeks back when he was breaking up with me. It made me think back to that night when he told me that he was engaged to Matthew, all of the pain and heart break seemed to coming rushing back to me like a blow to the head. It didn't help that Chris was sounding so hurt and sorry. I knew he was sorry, he'd made that clear and I could tell it on his face when he'd admitted that he and Matthew had kissed. I'd never heard him be so open with his feelings before; not even to me.

"I don't want to," I gently muttered into the room; I don't even believe I was talking to Chris, just thinking out loud.

"Y-you don't want to marry me?"

"No, I mean I don't want to leave you. Living without you in my life was too hard and I'm not prepared to ever do that again. You were right, I do need you, but I need to be honest with you and I need you to be honest with me." I sighed and wiped at my eyes to stop the tears from falling again. I took a deep breath and began to speak again. "I'm really angry right now. Not just at you, but at myself. I'm so upset and hurt, Chris, and I shouldn't be. It's like, karma, I did this to Mia so it only makes sense that you'd do the same to me…"

"That doesn't make any sense. Just because you cheated on her, me cheating on you makes sense?" Hearing Chris say it out loud made me realize how insane it was, but still, somewhere within me it still kind of made sense. "And it didn't mean anything. I know that's what everyone says when they cheat but it really didn't mean a fucking thing to me. He kissed me and I felt bad for him. After all I did to him and everything he was going through… I didn't know how to say no to him. I swear to god thought, it was just making out. It wasn't that long either. I told him to leave once I realized he wanted more than just making out. I didn't have sex with him, I promise." Chris sniffled softly and I heard him rustling around in what I assumed was probably his bed. "You have no idea how sick I felt afterwards."

"I want to forgive you so we can just move on," I said with a sigh. "I just… It really confuses me. Everything…. I feel guilty and–"

"Why do _you_ feel guilty?"

"Because of how upset and pissed off I am. When I told Mia that I was cheating on her she was upset, obviously, but not angry. Then there's me, I blew up at you… and I'm still so _mad._"

"It make sense that you would be. You're pissed because I did a really shitty thing to you and it hurt you. If you cheated on me–"

"I'd never cheat on you."

"I know you wouldn't." He said the words in a way I can't completely describe. Guilt and understanding were evident in his voice, but there was also something else there. It was like he knew I was telling the truth, he _knew_ I'd never in a million years cheat on him. "Hypothetically, if you cheated on me I'd be angry and hurt and… _fuck,_ baby, I don't know what I'd do if you cheated on me."

"I thought we were supposed to be putting the past behind us?" I said and ran my hand through my still tightly gelled curls.

"It's hard. I still feel guilty and horrible for everything, and I know you do too," he admitted. "I let that control my actions too much."

I nodded, which was useless considering I was talking to him on the phone. "Do you still have feelings for him? I asked, even though I was horrified of the answer.

Chris was silent for a while. I wished that I had been in the same room with him was I could have at least gauged by his expressions and body language what his answer might be.

"It depends on what you mean. Do I love him? Yeah… but am I _in_ love with him like I am with you? _No_. God, no, Dare. I love you more than anything, you have to know that," he answered. I let out a breath that I wasn't aware I was holding; the question had been weighing on my heart since he'd told me everything earlier in his trailer.

"Oh," I whispered and nodded, even though, again, completely unnecessary. "Yeah, well… that makes sense. You were with him for a long time."

"But I love you," Chris said earnestly, I could hear it in his voice. He really meant it; I was sure of it. "And I really am sorry, baby. I can't apologize enough."

"I know you're sorry," I answered before laying back on my crouch. "Maybe we just need a tiny break though. Only long enough for us to sort our feelings out, I guess…" I tried to sound convincing, but I couldn't pull it off.

"You don't really want that," he said right away. I knew he'd catch on immediately. He knew me too well.

"N-No," I whispered, feeling the hot tears start to pour down my cheeks. I guess it was my turn to break down. "I don't, I just don't know what else there is for us to do. I don't… I'm mad at you, but at the same time I just want you here to hold me and tell me everything's going to be okay."

I heard Chris sigh, it sounded so strained, like he was just as hurt and confused as I was. "I know, sweetie. I'd be there right away if you wanted me to be, too. I just don't want to make you uncomfortable." Chris let out a humorless, self-deprecating laugh and sniffled softly. "Fuck, I'd never think I'd say that to you. I'd never think you'd be uncomfortable around me… This is all my fucking fault."

"No it's not. You… I guess you weren't thinking. I wish it didn't hurt so much, Chris… I wish I could just move on with you and put all of this behind us. But I know it won't be that easy. We're still going to have to deal with people asking us things and judging us. We'll both still feel equally as guilty as we do now. All of this is so fucking complicated and I wish I could just go back to the day we started all of this and–"

"And what, Dare?" Chris asked, his voice losing the calm edge it had a moment ago. "Do you regret being with me? Do you regret falling in love with me…?"

"No, never," I answered instantly, because I didn't. I'd never regret falling in love with him. Chris was my soul mate; I could never regret loving or wanting to be with him. "I just wish we would have done things right from the beginning."

"We didn't think it would amount to what it is today when we started. We thought it'd just last a little while. I-I never thought I'd fall _this_ in love with you. I'm glad I did, but still. I never imagined myself being engaged to you at first."

"Y-yeah, me neither," I whispered. I curled up onto my side on the couch and closed my eyes. _Fuck, _I wanted him here so bad. I wanted him to just hold me until I stopped hurting, but I wasn't sure if having him here would make that hurt go away. "Chris?" I whispered after a moment of neither of us talking.

"Yeah, baby?"

"Can you come over? I-I don't know what good, if any, it'll do… I just want you here."

I heard Chris sigh, one of his elongated, thoughtful – too thoughtful – sighs. "Are you sure you want me to come over?" he asked. I could hear how much he wanted to make sure I was okay with him being here.

"I think. I just… I don't know. I guess I don't want to spend another night alone, and I don't know who else to call…" I rubbed at my most likely extremely red eyes, I really didn't want to be crying when he got here.

"I'll be over soon, sweetie," Chris said. We were both quiet for a moment, a very long, painful moment before he added: "I love you."

"I love you too," I whispered before hanging up the phone.

I leaned back against the headrest of the couch and rubbed at my eyes again. My whole body hurt, the emotional pain was that bad. My head was pounding in an overall sense of utter confusion. _Fuck, _I just wanted everything to stop hurting and to be normal again.

Well, as normal as normal gets for us.

-0-

The knock on the door bothered me. The knowing that Chris was at the door and knowing he was the one _knocking_ drove me fucking mad. He never knocked, he just went right in. Last time he knocked it was the day he broke up with me.

God fucking dammit.

I walked over to the door and opened it with what I was positive was a very upsetting frown. "Hi," I said as I answered my door. All Chris did was give me a sad, basically heart-wrenching, smile.

"Hey."

We stood in silence for a few seconds. In all honesty I thought the next time I saw Chris would bring back the memory of what happened between he and Matthew, well, the memory of him telling me at least. It didn't though; all I was feeling was this weird, confusing, uncomfortable and sad feeling in the pit of my stomach. I wanted to fall into his arms and let him comfort me, but at the same time I didn't want to.

Maybe I'm overreacting. It was _just_ a kiss, or many kisses… Either way, they didn't have sex. Chris and I had talked it out, he understood how I felt and I understood how he felt… As well as I could.

But I'm still allowed to be pissed and upset, right?

_How the fuck am I supposed to know?_

"Can I come in?" he finally broke the silence. I didn't answer though; I just opened the door to let him walk in. He smiled again, this time more out of thanks, and walked inside.

"Uh, did you want anything to drink?" I asked awkwardly. God, the way we were acting you'd have no idea we were engaged.

"No, I'm fine."

I nodded and walked over to the couch, plopping back into my spot that I'd been sulking and crying in for lord knows how long. Chris walked over and sat next to me, luckily sitting close to me and not leaving a huge space in between us. I knew things were weird between us, but I still wanted to feel him next to me. I still wanted to know that at least that aspect of our fucked up relationship was still normal.

Chris slowly reached out and took my hand, entwining our fingers loosely. The warmness his hand offered me was comforting, the most comfort I'd felt all day. "Everything's going to be okay, right?" he asked as his finger made small movements on my skin. "I mean, we still love each other, and I'm really sorry for… y-you know. I know we talked earlier, but I–"

"Just stop apologizing. Every time you apologize it brings up the memory in my mind and I really, really don't want to think about it." I looked down to our entwined fingers, noticing the blue "ring" still on his finger. _Why the fuck is he still wearing that? It's so fucking lame… I'm fucking lame. _

"Okay. I'll stop," he said and gave my hand a squeeze. "What now, Dare?"

"What do you mean 'what now'?" I asked, pulling my eyes away from our hands so that I could look at him.

"The ball's in your court," he said with a sigh, something we'd both been doing plenty of lately. It seemed that we were both always so frustrated anymore. "I'm the one who… who cheated, and if that means you want to break up with me, th-then you need to tell me now," he looked down from me and shook his head a little. "I don't want to break up, Dare. I really, really don't. I can't stand the idea of not being with you, but if you want to break up with me, even just for a little while, I guess I have to accept that."

"Chris," I whispered, tilting his chin up so that he'd look me in the eye. He looked so drained; I could tell this whole thing had been driving him crazy. "I don't want to break up with you. I told you that on the phone. I just… when you told me I thought that maybe you were having second thoughts. That maybe you'd want to be with Matthew instead of me."

"I don't want anyone but you," he said quickly. "God, you have no idea how much I love you."

"If it's anywhere close to how much I love you, then I might."

We both smiled at each other before suddenly our arms were around each other, holding onto each other tighter than ever before. If one of us wanted out of the embrace, which neither of us did, then we wouldn't be able to. He wasn't letting go of me and I sure as hell wasn't ever letting go of him. Never again.

"So are we gonna be alright?" Chris whispered into my neck, his warm breath tickling agains my skin.

"Yeah, we are."

-0-

We didn't let go of each other for quite some time. When we finally did, we kissed. It was one of those kisses that you can't really put into words, like there aren't enough words in the English language to describe it. It was slow, but passionate. It was loving, but extremely sexual. It was everything we needed, but not yet close to what we both wanted.

Slowly, we stood up from the couch and without a word shared, we went into my bedroom. It was like we both knew what the other had in mind. It was just like that with each other. We just _knew. _

The night went on by like that. All slow, passionate kisses and soft, affectionate caresses. You could actually feel the love we had – the love we'd _always_ have – for each other radiating throughout the room.

The night went by too fast for both of us. We barely slept. We literally made love all night. The times we'd stopped to talk had been filled with _I love you_'s, _you're mine_'s and talks about what our future –_ our, fuck I love saying that… our – _entailed. Everything was slow and intimate. It made us both feel better about everything we'd been through. No matter what we'd go through we'd always have each other at the end of the day.

I realized that night that yeah, Chris made a mistake with what he did with Matthew, but we all make mistakes. He didn't intentionally try to hurt me and he was sorry. I could see it in his face, I could feel it with every kiss, touch and look he gave me. Chris loves me. He loves me just as much as I love him. It didn't matter what we'd been through or what we'd go through in the future. He was my fiancé and one day he'd be my husband. I loved him. I would _always_ love him.

No matter what, we were together and in love.

That's all that mattered to us.

That's all we needed.


End file.
